meet me and my mind

I don't know if yesterday I spoke to casually about what, I suppose, is an attempt suicide. I never made the decision to take those pills easily. I am not doing so well at the moment. And, sometimes, I just need a break from my mind. My mind is filled with so many things. School, family, friends, my future, the things that still hover from the past. Additionally, I think once you have flirted around the idea of death so many times, you become desensitised and it seems less scary. Added to that is probably a fair amount adrenalin in that moment. I am one of the people in life who struggle with boundaries. I place no boundaries and can't manage to stay in line with others. I am insanely open my life. I have no problem telling people things from my past because none of them embarrass me. This is the first thing I was iffy in letting people know. And this spread through the family the fastest. For example, today, my Grandpa came up to visit me now that I'm out of the clinic an...

So it's been a weird week. I guess I should start with my being unhappy and miserable. I tried to talk about what was going on in my head but got shot down every time. So then I took some pills. But I never got to sleep in time so I got high and then went to Mom and Dad. So I went to the hospital. And then I was sent back to the clinic. And  who really know how long I'll have to be year. So things are hectic and super crazy. And it sounds like I blaming my family but I am not . I take full responsibility for trying kill myself. I Being at war with your own mind is long, slow and terribly lonely process. I send light and love to each person out there that wakes up unhappy. I am still sad about John. I feel like if we were talking then... I don't. But I do know that my decision had nothing to do with John. I'm home now. Everyone thinks it's too early but I don't think so. But who knows about anything. This medication  I was on had me so high. And I hate that feel...

So my holiday is almost over and school is starting soon and I still don't know where I am going. But there is very little I can do until school starts and we get some answers. Nick came over these last few days and spent some time with me. It was really nice and I enjoyed his company a lot. It felt like the days when it was just the two of us and things were still simpler. Those were nice times. I am unhappy at the moment. I struggle to fall asleep, I am pestered by bad dreams and I just wake up unhappy. It's difficult because I can remember all the times when I woke up happy and life just seemed good. I know for a fact that I wasn't just happy because of John. Things were better mentally. Now I'm struggling and I just have to work a little harder to be happy. Prof will sort things out. He emailed me today and hopefully there will be some answers. I know that I need to keep busy. And I will do my best. It's raining today and it's beautiful. I've missed the...

I know, as you probably do, that I have no real wisdom or authority to share with you. I enjoyed yesterday's entry because those are the few rules that have made my life easier and made me who I am. And, it was fun to type in a new way. I heard something on the radio while I was driving in the car today. The host was saying what would you like to leave behind in 2017. And I thought about it and thought about it. I would like to leave behind my pain, my heartbreak and some of my struggles. Not all of them. Some of them are helpful and teach me things I need to learn. I was talking to Nick last night before bed. He was sleeping over. And I asked him what he would do before he died, if he were dying tomorrow. I can't even remember his answer (my pills were kicking in). But I remember saying that I would like to sort things out with John before I died and let him now that I was sorry and that I still love him. I probably will for a while. He was a giant part of my life and not a d...

Happy New Year everybody! I hope everybody had a great evening filled with laughter and fun. I definitely did. I danced all night and then jumped in the pool at midnight as per tradition. We had a great party with friends and family and most of my favourite people. I am feeling a little wonky and unsettled. Mentally, I mean. I have emailed Prof and asked if he could phone me so that we could talk. I am feeling a little bit better today maybe because I should be getting my period today. I am excited and scared for the new year. So much could happen but no one knows what will happen yet. Here are a few, let's called them truths, that might help you during the year. 1. Always tell the truth. This is often scary because it seems like people are always expecting things from you. You are not responsible for making everyone else happy. But, telling the truth does not mean that you are cruel. This leads to the second rule. 2. Be kind at every stop in life. You don't know what a...

I had a really nice Christmas. I got to spend it with my family. Everyone was in a good mood and things were just chilled. I am just worried because things aren't great with me at the moment. I can just tell something is off. I emailed Prof and he said it might be me just being hormonal from PMS. But I really think it is something bigger at play. I wonder if I will get into Fairmont next year. They don't accept Matrics and I left the normal school system. I really want to just do a year of actual learning where I can focus. It would be so nice to be in school with Bella. The only downside of going there would mean that I was going to school with a bunch of juniors. I think I'm going to email Prof again and just update him because I know something isn't right. Tomorrow we're going on a bus tour of Stellenbosch wine farms. All of us are going and all of Mom's family. There are 20 of us I think. I'm excited but kinda worried because the adults get kinda annoyi...