meet me and my mind

"I am so nervous about school. Mom says I should write what and why I'm feeling the things I'm feeling in my sessions. I feel scared. I fidget. I sweat. I feel like I can't breathe. My heart pounds. I'm also worried because it feels like I can see 360 degrees again." Whenever I'm on an antidepressant then I feel like I can see behind my ears. My bipolar works that when I take an antidepressant then I become hypermanic. My bipolar is really complicated. I don't really understand it myself.  E.H.

“Well, today is Father’s Day. I couldn’t sleep last night. I was really anxious so I got in with Mom and Dad. Mom was upset so in the middle of the night she asks me to get in the middle and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. So she gets mad and calls me pathetic. What kind of person can have insults so late at night. Anyway, I woke up exhausted. Not cool. Yeah. So I’m miserable today. I still miss Stuart. It’s not fair. Just one blow after the next. I wish I could get a break sometime. I’m writing on Tuesday and I have no idea what I’m writing and I haven’t studied. At all. And I know I should be worried but I’m not. So I’m worried that I’m not worried.”  Looking back now I think it's a little weird that I used to get into bed with my parents at that age, but, hell, if it made me feel better, it made me feel better. My parents made me feel safe and comfortable and then I could usually fall asleep. It's also just like me to not study before an exam. Well, that's not true. I ...

“It’s been a while. Lots of nonsense you’ve missed. Bella’s birthday. A weird dream about Cindy. Lilah. Greg. More missing Stuart. Gideon. But let’s start at the beginning. It’s Saturday now. On Wednesday Rose, Lilah and I had a fight. Mainly Rose and I. I honestly thought I was going to hurt her. I had a total meltdown. I’m stopping Serdep. Again. Bella’s birthday went well. We’re having the grandparents, Steve, Bee and Duke around tomorrow for cake. Okay, next. Cindy. On Wednesday night I had a very strange dream about Cindy. We kissed and stuff. Strange. I spent the whole of Thursday in Mrs Louw’s spare room. I couldn’t face the people. Lilah is being such a jerk. She is so arrogant and disdainful and dismissive towards me. I think she told Greg. What happened was that his mom phoned Mom the other day to ask if we had spoken to Greg or told anyone about our chats. His mom is worried because he got accepted to university. I miss Stuart and I pray for him every night. I think I just ...

“So medication muddle again. I took Dopaquel last night and another 50g this morning at 11:00. It sucks. I was as high as a kite. It’s so confusing. You just feel like you’re floating. Mom wants me to go back on Serdep. Dad does too. But I don’t want to. It never goes well. I don’t feel in control. I have no say over what my body does. Rose said to me a few nights ago that she used to know me inside and out and now she has no idea who I am. That she doesn’t even recognise me. I’m not really surprised because you could see it. But the really scary thing is that I didn’t even care. I don’t feel anything. Nothing. People can make me mad, can hurt me but I feel nothing. I feel hollow. My taste, my love for people and for music. It’s just gone. I’s like I’m an empty shell. Nothing in here. I don’t understand what’s happened to me. I’m not this person. I know I’m not. I am a loving person. I’m passionate. And now it’s all just gone. What do I do? I’m hurting everyone I love. I can see mysel...

“Don’t like this medication. I just feel miserable. Nothing feels real. I’m really anxious and scared. Mom is mad but I don’t know why. I’ve taken my pills and my mind is jumbled.”  This was a short entry but that is to be expected. It is almost impossible to function with some of this medication in your system. And at any given point in time over these last few years I have been on somewhat crazy dosages and combinations. This limited my mental abilities to an extreme point. I struggled to wake up in the morning and going to school was almost impossible.  E.H.

“So I tried new medication. It’s called Stressam. It’s made for long-term anxiety but here they mainly use it for exam stress and stuff. I took it last week Saturday and Sunday but I don’t like the way it made me feel so I stopped it. But then I spoke to Mom and she thinks I felt strange because of the tests and school work. So I took it again on Thursday and Friday. I really don’t like it. It makes me feel high and like I can see everything. I really hate it. I have been feeling really weird lately. Very unstable and up and down. It worries me and I know it worries everybody else. I made a new friend, Gideon. My mind is so jumbled and I can’t concentrate. I feel icky. I’m really unhappy.” E.H. 

“I am feeling so sick, my glands are swollen. I finally got my phone back and then my phone died. The scroller died. How retarded. There was more drama at school and Nick told me likes me and that he hates himself because he upsets me. I’m tired. And I’m wondering what people actually think of me. It would be so interesting to know. Bella painted my nails and Mom, Dad and I listened to Tracy Chapman last night and I really enjoyed it.”  E.H. 

“So. Things have been busy. Active. Drama with guys and drama with friends. I really think I need to go back on my Rivotril. I feel anxious in the evenings. I think it would just make the evenings easier and less traumatic.” Sorry that I didn't post yesterday. I have a cold and I wasn't feeling up to writing. Looking back on all this drama with friends and guys it all seems so trivial. Like I was focused on the wrong things at the time. If I had just focused on school and doing things that make things a little bit less awful. But, I suppose I did try that at the time but it was pushed aside by other things that seemed more important at the time. I did the best that I could at the time. And, I'm still doing that. Just keep on doing the best you can everyday. It's easier now to do those things, but you'll get to that in my later entries. Anyway, I hope you all are keeping well. Thank you for those who are reading, even though there are very few of you. I suppose ...

“So they’ve changed my meds again. To Lorien and Olexar. They are the pills that make you fat. Next step is Lithium. But Mom has taken me off my pills until I see Dr van Zyl tomorrow. On Thursday at school I felt dizzy and then I went home. Well, Mom picked me up and took me back to work with her. Then on Friday I stayed at home with Elsabe and slept all day. Saturday I felt better and just mooched. Same for Sunday. Yesterday was awful. It was Camps Bay athletics. Rose, Steve and Sadie and I did first aid. So that meant going on a bus with a bunch of kids. So I was anxious on Sunday and it was worse on Monday and I went to sit in Mrs Louw’s office. She then told Ms Roberts I was worried someone would throw up, so the first aiders ended up going on the tiny school bus with a few teachers. This calmed me down a bit until Ms Roberts started feeling sick. The whole morning was just one big panic attack so by 11:00 I was so tired. We got to Camps Bay and I didn’t like it there. There we...

“So I like David. A lot. And Dr van Zyl wants to put me on new meds. Again. None of them are working properly. These new meds are going to make me fat. I feel so hollow. Mom and Dad have been fighting. Dad wants to leave but can’t because there is no money. He’s mentioned stuff about the two of us leaving. More David nonsense. He likes this other girl at school. And I’m invisible to the guys I like. And, actually, guys in general. Being a teenager sucks. Stuart. I miss him. I wish I missed him more. I wish he cared. He doesn’t. he hasn’t spoken to me in a month. I’m so tired. So so tired. Tired of everything. I’m just going through the motions. I don’t really feel anything. I haven’t spoken to Basil in a month. He hasn’t tried to talk to me. I’m just glad he moved on. I just want to lie in bed all day. I just realised I haven’t told you about the Bipolar thing. I haven’t told anyone. So it works like this: there are 3 types. Type 1 is where you are manic and go kinda psychot...

“Last day of the first week of school. Greg’s birthday. Sam’s birthday too. So school. I have friends in all my classes. Which is good. David and I have been talking quite a lot lately. Over BBM, obviously. Not in person. I’m not in his circle of friends. Not one of the cool kids. His friends make fun of me. Not in a particularly mean way, just not in a way that includes me. I know I annoy him. But I seem to like him. Rose and Steve are being such jerks. Every time there is a fight between Steve and I, she takes his side.”  I feel like the only thing that needs to be explained here is my attitude towards guys. I was painfully shy and super awkward. I also have this habit of admitting my feelings for the person I'm liking at the time. Which usually leads to awkwardness but does allow me to get over whichever dumb guy I like at the time. for the most part I've had pretty terrible taste in guys and most of them have been mean or just dorks. Which isn't meant as an in...

“I’m feeling happier. And, I’ve barely thought of Stuart. But I feel hollow and empty. The happy feeling is there but it’s behind the glass pane. Basil has asked to see me. Mom and Dad said no as soon as I mentioned it. I make such a big deal out of everything. It makes me so annoyed at myself. I feel like I’m a walking cliché. I don’t like the way I’m feeling. It’s unstable. It makes me worried. I want things to be the way it should be. Not all this medicine, all the pathetic drama. Why can’t it be simple? You wake up, go through the day. School, learning, friends, healthy eating. Then home, homework, study, Tv or internet then eating and bed. Steve was here today. Him, Rose and I were in her room and she pulled Steve until he was lying on her boob almost. It was funny. He got so uncomfortable and kept something over his junk the whole time, so when he left I told Rose what I thought and we laughed so crazy hard.” I started therapy round about age 14. I was seeing a young woma...

“Well, today was better than yesterday. Which is a plus. But earlier this afternoon when we were all getting along, I asked what was going to happen next and Rose said I have Munchausen’s. I’m going to read now.” While typing out my journal entries, I realise how silly and trivial all these things seem. And, I feel like all of this is pointless and who would want to read this. But, just stick with me. We'll get to the better stuff and I'm rather enjoying unpacking all my old thoughts and feelings. And, even though it seems silly, these were real problems to me at these points in my life. I am looking forward to seeing how I change over the years. So even though these entries seem trivial, they were my problems at various difficult phases of my life and they've helped keep me sane when things got tough.  E.H. 

“So, new journal. It’s weird. I kinda miss my journal. So my meds have changed again. They’re adding Serdep again. I just wish I could have the pills that make me able to talk to people and want to. Now I just never want to leave my room. And I haven’t watched TV in so so so long. It sucks. I just want to do something that takes my mind off of everything. It helps to make me not think. I can’t concentrate because there is music playing and everyone is talking. I’m irritable. Lilah and I haven’t spoken properly in ages. Paige either. I’m not talking to Cindy either. I still can’t believe Cindy and Kyle are dating. It’s so weird. I’m so tired of everything. Bleh. And, oh my word. Mom keeps blaming everything on the medication. I’m broken and clearly not in my right mind. I’m irritable and emotional. I’m also sick- acid-reflux, bloated, windy, sore ears, sore throat, twitchy. I miss Stuart. I barely thought about him today. It’s such a change. I mean, it’s probably better. I feel lik...

“I’m so sad. Dad and I have been fighting. Dad and Mom have been fighting. Rose and I have been fighting. Bella and I have been fighting. I am so irritable and sad and my moods change so quickly. I get the feeling Mom is disappointed in me. She keeps everything I do on the medication. I miss Stuart so much. I keep wondering why he won’t talk to me. I’m obsessing. Is it because of his ex-girlfriend? Did he ever feel anything for me? Did his psychiatrist say something? Is he trying to ‘protect me’? I miss him so much. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I’m so lonely and I’m really weird feelings. I’m not seeing my friends, I’m not allowed on my computer because Dad is being a pain, I’ve run out of books to read and I have no money to buy new books. I’m so tired of my life. I don’t feel like living. No one would really care. And I’m not just feeling sorry for myself. I’m upset and I don’t know what to do to make it better.”  The family dynamic of my family is rather strange. ...

“So it’s the day after Christmas. Yesterday I felt ill and it totally ruined my day. I am so upset and all round miserable and depressed. I feel lonely and emotional and I know I’m overly dramatic about everything but it just feels like I’m nowhere. I have no faith in humanity. I’m mad. Grouchy. Bored and restless. Nothing makes me happy. I’m a little mad. Mom says she only does what Dad wants and not what we want. I know he is the ‘man’ of the family but it isn’t fair to disregard what we want.”  I feel like this entry seems to shed sight at only one side of Dad. Dad grew up in a very strict home. He and Uncle Dave grew up in an environment that was very tense but still loving. Granny Ellie and Granddad loved Dad and Uncle Dave, though it might not always have seemed like it.  Dad and Uncle Dave were very boyish boys and were very active and were rather naughty. They broke windows playing ball games and wreaked havoc on the neighbourhood. All of it was done in good sp...

“So yesterday was awful. I was so miserable and snappy. But, I’ve been like that for a week. No damn idea why. Then we get to the guy section of my brain. Stuart. I’m starting to forget him. I remember a few things like the kiss and the days before he left and how harsh he was. I remember how he acted with Dad and the girls. I don’t remember his personality or the way he smiled or stuff like that. I know I should forget him but I don’t want to. And last night Uncle Dave and Meg came over. We got onto the topic of teenage pregnancy and how Stuart had sex when he was 14. And Basil who had sex when he was 16. It’s weird and I can’t wrap my head around it. Then there is Reece. Who I like. He’s sweet and nice to me. And Matthew, who  is such a sweet and dependable person. And Nick, who I am currently ignoring. Ew. My life sucks. And my meds have been changed again. And Mom and Dad are fighting non-stop. And the rest of my family are all fighting with me.” Nick is my best fr...

“I’m miserable. Miserable, miserable. I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m irritable all the time and I don’t feel well. I’m anxious all the time. I’m stressed and it’s horrible. Mom is just non-responsive. I mean she acknowledges me but it’s like she doesn’t see me. Rose and Bella are extra annoying and I get angry so quickly and then it fades and I just feel hollow. I’m sitting at the table with Mom and Dad. Mom is playing with Anastasia and ignoring me. I’m lonely and miserable. I just want to sleep, except I’m scared. I feel nauseous. It’s awful. I feel sad. Like I’m going to cry the whole time.” I don't know what comment to add to this post. So I think I'll talk about Rose and Bella. Rose is 20 now and Bella just turned 17. I'm currently 18, turning 19 in October. When I got sick I withdrew a lot and became very distant with both of my sisters. They didn't know how to handle me and there was a lot of conflict. I love them both dearly but th...

“I’m irritable. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s Stuart. I’m in love with the guy and he just wants to be friends. And to him that means never talking. I miss him. I have this constant feeling like I just wanna go home. And then, I’m like, I am home. I’m sure it’s him, Basil, Cara, Stacey and Justin. I miss them all. Why can’t it just be how I want it to be. Why can’t I understand why he did what he did. He said he was attracted to me at the clinic. But he manipulated me. He said what he did was wrong. And how he had to move on. But I want to know why. I don’t like Reece anymore. He just annoys me. It’s unfair to him. I feel like I finally fit in at school but I can feel myself going back to the person I used to be. And I hate it. But, as per usual, there is nothing I can do. I feel so super self-conscious and like everyone is looking t me. And, that I can’t look people in the eye in the passages. I wish when I wrote to you, you could reply. I feel alone. Mom doesn’t get me and she ma...

“Stacey told me we can’t be friends. She says I’m ‘hindering her progress’. I should have known better than to count on friends. I’m so hurt. It’s not even funny. I can’t believe her. I thought we were friends. Dad is leaving again tomorrow. Take 3. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t. I’m tired of being let down. By Lilah, by Julie, by Stuart, by Stacey. You can’t count on anyone. NO ONE. I hate people. I hate my life. Even Dad can’t be counted on. He’s leaving again. Andy is still giving me nonsense in class. I hate school. I hate people. I hate my life. I’m sick of living. It just isn’t worth it. I’m alone. Still. The moral of the story is people don’t care. I feel restless. My legs are jumpy. My hands are sweating. I can’t breathe properly. I’m so tired and I have no energy. I hate life. I’m going to die old and friendless and alone. I can’t believe Dad is leaving tomorrow.”  So this entry needs a bit of a backstory on my parents. Mom and Dad met when they were in their ea...

“I want to hurt myself. I want to see myself bleed. I want it to hurt. I want to see the open flesh. I feel sick. I feel ill. I feel like a freak. I’m shaking. There is something wrong with me. I feel crazy. My morals are twisted. I actually swore at someone last week. And then I slapped a guy. At school. Something is wrong with me. I am unstable. I am crazy. I’ve feel like I’ve gone mad. I have crazy dreams and I can’t remember things. I have these weird out of body experiences where my heart beats really fast and I sweat and my chest tightens and I can’t breathe. I don’t feel like myself. The person that I used to be is gone. And, I’m scared. I feel like a wild animal.” This was also written shortly after my I was back at home. I was pretty sick at the time and rather depressed. Although, most of my depressions aren't pure depressions but are mixed episodes or I have black highs where I am irritable and anxious. I was a very reserved person and slapping and swearing was beha...

“I CAN’T BREATHE! My chest is tight. It feels like it’s gonna burst. It hurts. I feel frustrated. My heart feels heavy. I don’t know what to do. Mom and everyone are mad at me. I want to hurt myself. Scratch or cut or anything. I need help and I can’t do this alone. I have my friends and I have my family but I still feel so alone. I need help. I need for the pain, anger and frustration to go away. I want to feel normal. I need to feel in control of my emotions. I feel helpless and pathetic. PATHETIC. And no one helps. Everyone is busy. I need to make this all stop.”  So this was written shortly after I came out of the clinic. I was not yet diagnosed with Bipolar but was struggling with the difficulties of being back at home where nobody really understands or knows how to treat me. I still felt pretty alien-like and didn't have many people who got what was happening. If only we knew then what we know now... E.H .

"I'm freaking out. There is so much work that I need to catch up on. Basil is convinced he is in love with me. I'm in love with Stuart. And Rowan touched me super inappropriately. Greg asked me for naked photos. And, I have totally bankrupt my parents. I'm worried about school and that I might have only told everyone at the clinic for attention. Right now I'm scared and really emotional . I feel lost and I just want Stuart to love me. Or at the very least to just talk to me. I need someone to talk to. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Lilah is acting so strangely and Julie and I are only fake friends at the moment. I don't know what to do and I feel sick. I just want life to be a little easier. I'm not sure I can handle this. There is so much school work for me to catch up on and I'm not sure I can get it done. I have so many things to handle right now and I feel really overwhelmed. I AM FREAKED OUT!" Okay. So background. ...

My name is Elizabeth Hunter. Well, not really. But that's who you'll know. My story really starts about 5 years ago. And even that might not be so accurate. All of my memories of the past few years are kinda foggy. Some sort of amnesia jazz. My mind protecting me from all that's happened. In my blog you'll be reading my diary entries that I've made through my journey so far and obviously a few extra comments to explain. This wont't be perfect and sometimes won't be phrased right all the time. But this is just me. A perfectly average girl who wants to see if she can help the world. Anyway. This is it for my intro.  E.H.