Skip to main content

15th Entry - 11 February 2014

“So they’ve changed my meds again. To Lorien and Olexar. They are the pills that make you fat. Next step is Lithium. But Mom has taken me off my pills until I see Dr van Zyl tomorrow.

On Thursday at school I felt dizzy and then I went home. Well, Mom picked me up and took me back to work with her. Then on Friday I stayed at home with Elsabe and slept all day. Saturday I felt better and just mooched. Same for Sunday. Yesterday was awful. It was Camps Bay athletics. Rose, Steve and Sadie and I did first aid. So that meant going on a bus with a bunch of kids. So I was anxious on Sunday and it was worse on Monday and I went to sit in Mrs Louw’s office. She then told Ms Roberts I was worried someone would throw up, so the first aiders ended up going on the tiny school bus with a few teachers. This calmed me down a bit until Ms Roberts started feeling sick. The whole morning was just one big panic attack so by 11:00 I was so tired. We got to Camps Bay and I didn’t like it there. There were 5 schools competing and that meant a lot of sick kids. It wasn’t nice and I felt sick and asked Mom to come pick me up at 11:30. We were supposed to leave at 18:00. So after lots of crying and various phone calls to Mom and Dad, I went home at 16:00. I felt so nauseous and Mom wouldn’t get me pills so I had to chew on ginger. It finally went away and then I went to sleep. Now I’m too scared to eat in case I feel sick. Last Thursday was Interschools and Nick collapsed and was dizzy, so it was not cool. Then he was absent on Thursday and Friday. I’ve had the flu so maybe I won’t get sick. Either way, I’m scared.”

In all this time that I've been taking medication, and, it's been 5 years, I've been on just about every pill that is available where I live. I've honestly lost count, but, it would be around 20 different medications at various different times and combinations. I've seen 4 psychiatrists and 2 psychologists throughout this time. So it's been a hella hectic time. As to the medication now and whether it's working, that is a story for another time. 

E.H. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

80th Entry - 29 April 2017, 9pm

"So. Wow. You've missed a lot. John and I are dating as of the 18th. It's wonderful and gentle and sweet and all kinds of lovely. He's more fantastic than before. I mean, he was always great but things are kinda perfect now. Which scares me. I feel like it's easier to get hurt now. And not just me. He can be hurt by me too. It's equally great and terrifying. It's just really difficult when he leaves. It makes me sad and mopey and generally unpleasant-feeling. I think the trouble is that it all seems so normal that things seem like we've been dating forever and it has been a week. Which is scary. I feel like I'm less mature and ready than everybody thinks. I am doubting myself a lot and it's difficult. How do you deal with your own views of yourself? I don't see myself as a particularly bad person but I just don't see whatever it is that John, Nick and Richard see. I think I need to speak to the girls about making fun of me. It really br...
Post a Comment
Read more

20th Entry - 27 April 2014

“So medication muddle again. I took Dopaquel last night and another 50g this morning at 11:00. It sucks. I was as high as a kite. It’s so confusing. You just feel like you’re floating. Mom wants me to go back on Serdep. Dad does too. But I don’t want to. It never goes well. I don’t feel in control. I have no say over what my body does. Rose said to me a few nights ago that she used to know me inside and out and now she has no idea who I am. That she doesn’t even recognise me. I’m not really surprised because you could see it. But the really scary thing is that I didn’t even care. I don’t feel anything. Nothing. People can make me mad, can hurt me but I feel nothing. I feel hollow. My taste, my love for people and for music. It’s just gone. I’s like I’m an empty shell. Nothing in here. I don’t understand what’s happened to me. I’m not this person. I know I’m not. I am a loving person. I’m passionate. And now it’s all just gone. What do I do? I’m hurting everyone I love. I can see mysel...
Post a Comment
Read more

78th Entry - 29 March 2017, 7pm

"Mom is at her work conference. So it's just Dad, Rose, Bella and I, And Steve. It's weird not having Mom at home. I'm feeling vulnerable and slightly irritable. Which is not cool. I spent this afternoon watching a bit of TV with Bella and then I spent the evening with Dad. I don't want him to be lonely without Mom. I don't know what is up with me at the moment. I feel lethargic and like I have no motivation. It's weird. And uncomfortable. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel useless and bored and frustrated. I want to do something else but I don't really know what to do. I get energy sometimes but it never lasts. Sometimes I feel like I can do work this year. But then I don't feel like I can do anything. I feel like these entries are really repetitive. My life feels repetitive too. Like everyday is the same thing with the same problems. It's difficult with Nick right now because I feel like we are in two different paces in our relations...
Post a Comment
Read more