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1st Entry - September 2013

"I'm freaking out. There is so much work that I need to catch up on. Basil is convinced he is in love with me. I'm in love with Stuart. And Rowan touched me super inappropriately. Greg asked me for naked photos. And, I have totally bankrupt my parents. I'm worried about school and that I might have only told everyone at the clinic for attention. Right now I'm scared and really emotional . I feel lost and I just want Stuart to love me. Or at the very least to just talk to me. I need someone to talk to. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Lilah is acting so strangely and Julie and I are only fake friends at the moment. I don't know what to do and I feel sick. I just want life to be a little easier. I'm not sure I can handle this. There is so much school work for me to catch up on and I'm not sure I can get it done. I have so many things to handle right now and I feel really overwhelmed. I AM FREAKED OUT!"

Okay. So background. This was written somewhere after August of 2013. I was 15 at the time. I had just come out of a psychiatric clinic where I went because I was really sick and suicidal. And to me sick isn't just a cold or flu. When I say sick most of the time I am referring to mentally unstable. At this point I was just diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Basil and Stuart were roommates at the clinic while I was there and I had a thing for Stuart while Basil had a thing for me. Stuart had a thing for me to and I had my first kiss there outside in the clinic's courtyard and it was lovely.  Rowan was one of the older guys I met at the clinic. He was 30 and had a wife and job and everything. Anyway, long story short, one night we were sitting on the couch and he got touchy and I was freaked out. This bugged me for a pretty long time but I'm over it now. I left the following day so I never really saw him again. The comment on bankrupting my parents was only the beginning of my doing that to them because the clinic I was in was super expensive and when you stay there you see your psychiatrist and psychologist everyday. This isn't even including the price of medication. Of which I was on quite a lot. Lilah and Julie had been my friends for a few years but Julie had recently discovered her religious side and decided she wanted to spend her time with more like-minded individuals. She never said it to me quite like that. What actually happened was that I had just been diagnosed with depression by my psychiatrist and I obviously told my best friends so they could help. Julie told me a few weeks later that I was too negative and she needed more positivity in her life. I was in 9th grade at the time and had just missed out on a crap tonne of school so I was really freaked out about catching up because I was pretty into my academics. 

E.H. 

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