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21st Post - 25 May 2014

“It’s been a while. Lots of nonsense you’ve missed. Bella’s birthday. A weird dream about Cindy. Lilah. Greg. More missing Stuart. Gideon. But let’s start at the beginning. It’s Saturday now. On Wednesday Rose, Lilah and I had a fight. Mainly Rose and I. I honestly thought I was going to hurt her. I had a total meltdown. I’m stopping Serdep. Again. Bella’s birthday went well. We’re having the grandparents, Steve, Bee and Duke around tomorrow for cake. Okay, next. Cindy. On Wednesday night I had a very strange dream about Cindy. We kissed and stuff. Strange. I spent the whole of Thursday in Mrs Louw’s spare room. I couldn’t face the people. Lilah is being such a jerk. She is so arrogant and disdainful and dismissive towards me. I think she told Greg. What happened was that his mom phoned Mom the other day to ask if we had spoken to Greg or told anyone about our chats. His mom is worried because he got accepted to university. I miss Stuart and I pray for him every night. I think I just miss the memories. Either way, missing is missing. Mom and Dad have taken my phone away so I haven’t spoken to Gideon in ages. He likes the new girl, Ashley, anyway. Mom and Dad have been fighting quite a lot lately. Things had just gotten a bit better and now… It seems like Dad hates everything about Mom and it seems like she is giving up. Rose and I have been arguing a lot too. Things have not improved on that front. Last night was so scary. I couldn’t sleep and I felt nauseous. I was gripping my pillow so tight and all my muscles were taught. I was sweating from head to toe and it was scary. All I could do was count. I don’t know how many times I counted to 100. And when I wasn’t counting I was praying and willing myself to feel okay. I go through it but I’m scared for tonight. I feel so tired. Like my body has been drained. I am exhausted. I’m barely hanging on at the moment. I just want all the pain and suffering and constant misery to stop. To just be able to float around happily. No worries. Just happy. I’m close to just giving up and lying in bed all day. I have no appetite. I don’t want to eat. I’ve lost weight. I’m becoming this empty shell. I do the same things everyday. Routine. Routine. Routine. Routine. I use the messed up logic and superstition that if nothing bad happened last time… It’s sad. I’m just so tired. I don’t have it in me to keep going. I have no will to keep fighting. I’m so lonely. I just miss human closeness. And I know I’m clinging to the memories of Stuart. The hand-holding, the closeness. I just want a sweet kiss on the lips and someone’s arm to hook into when I walk and to put my head on his shoulder. I’m so tired. Tired. So tired. I’m close to giving in. How do I carry on fighting? Mom and Dad, mainly Mom, keep saying how I need to pull myself out of the black hole. But I’m barely hanging in as it is. What do I do? I’ve told Mom. But nothing happens. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. I think I’m crazy. Mrs Louw doesn’t think so. She disagrees. But I feel it. I’m tired. Everyone is suffering. It’s such a waste. What do I do? How do I keep on keeping on. I feel the life and fight seeping me out of me every day. Just as every day I get more unstable. Mom and Dad don’t get it. I’m never happy. It’s gone. I don’t remember. I read. And I read. And I read. And I get to live someone else’s life. Always a happy ending. I want that. I want energy, love, God, faith. I need it. I need to be able to want to carry on. To want to keep fighting. To start living instead of barely existing. But I don’t know what I can do.” 

The story behind Lilah and Greg’s communication. Greg asked me for naked photos and I was like, what. So I told my mom. Because he is a prefect and way older and that is just inappropriate. Then I told Lilah Mom was going to talk to the school about it and the she told Greg. Then he sent messages begging me not to tell the school. Keep in mind that I am only 14 at the moment.  

E.H.

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