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4th Entry - October 2013

“Stacey told me we can’t be friends. She says I’m ‘hindering her progress’. I should have known better than to count on friends. I’m so hurt. It’s not even funny. I can’t believe her. I thought we were friends. Dad is leaving again tomorrow. Take 3. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t. I’m tired of being let down. By Lilah, by Julie, by Stuart, by Stacey. You can’t count on anyone. NO ONE. I hate people. I hate my life. Even Dad can’t be counted on. He’s leaving again. Andy is still giving me nonsense in class. I hate school. I hate people. I hate my life. I’m sick of living. It just isn’t worth it. I’m alone. Still. The moral of the story is people don’t care. I feel restless. My legs are jumpy. My hands are sweating. I can’t breathe properly. I’m so tired and I have no energy. I hate life. I’m going to die old and friendless and alone. I can’t believe Dad is leaving tomorrow.” 

So this entry needs a bit of a backstory on my parents. Mom and Dad met when they were in their early twenties. They dated for seven years before getting pregnant with Rose. They got married and then Rose was born. Mom and Dad decided they wanted another child and then had me. And then, surprise, Mom got pregnant with Bella. I had a happy childhood despite suffering from anxiety most of the time. At school I was shy and reserved but at home I was firey and stubborn. I don't know at what point things went sour between Mom and Dad, but they did. So in my Grade 8 year, after Mom and Dad had been together for 16 years, some shit went down. Dad moved out for a while and then moved back in. I never felt like he moved back in for Mom but, more like he missed his children and lifestyle. I don't know exactly what went down with Mom and Dad now, and I don't think I really knew then. Dad moved in and out a few times always coming back. There was a rumour about cheating but I doubt I'll ever know the true story. At the time I was very angry with Dad because cheating was a huge taboo and I couldn't wrap my head round it. Now, I see things a little diffidently. After being trapped in a difficult situation with my mental state, I feel as though I can understand what it's like to be trapped. That doesn't excuse cheating but I feel like it explains it. And, after years of therapy. I now know that understanding a situation helps you to accept it.

E.H.  

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