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9th Entry - January 2014

“I’m so sad. Dad and I have been fighting. Dad and Mom have been fighting. Rose and I have been fighting. Bella and I have been fighting. I am so irritable and sad and my moods change so quickly. I get the feeling Mom is disappointed in me. She keeps everything I do on the medication. I miss Stuart so much. I keep wondering why he won’t talk to me. I’m obsessing. Is it because of his ex-girlfriend? Did he ever feel anything for me? Did his psychiatrist say something? Is he trying to ‘protect me’? I miss him so much. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I’m so lonely and I’m really weird feelings.

I’m not seeing my friends, I’m not allowed on my computer because Dad is being a pain, I’ve run out of books to read and I have no money to buy new books. I’m so tired of my life. I don’t feel like living. No one would really care. And I’m not just feeling sorry for myself. I’m upset and I don’t know what to do to make it better.” 

The family dynamic of my family is rather strange. We grew up in a house where we were loved and taught well. We grew up able to talk to my parents and we still do, mostly. I am the most open with my parents, but I am just open in general. Anyway, things are different now because we are all older and have opinions that differ to my parents. This causes friction that often becomes explosive. 

Looking back on my entries I am shocked by the changes in medication. Over the past 4 years I have been on several different medications and knowing what I know now I am a little upset that it took so long to find the right medication. I know that each psychiatrist was doing the best that she could but it is scary that it takes 4 or 5 years to properly diagnose and treat Bipolar. 

E.H. 

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