meet me and my mind

“Jack broke up with me. Claiming that something was off and that he didn’t feel like he’s ready for a serious relationship. So he took 2 days to decide he’s going to break up with me. No asking or talking just immediate break-up. What about me? I’m not ready to lose him. We were together for 2 months and 2 weeks. 10 weeks. That’s a long time. And now he’s just decided it’s over. I miss him. I know I’m going to miss the kisses and hugs and love. And now what? Now I’m alone again. And I hate it. It’s not fair. Why? Why? Why? Why? What’s wrong with me that he doesn’t want to be with me? What do I do? Does he miss me? It doesn’t seem fair that now I’m sad and he’s fine. I wasn’t even that attached in the beginning. Then as soon as I’m attached and care for him, it’s over. I remember our first date when we went to go watch Project Almanac. We danced in the empty centre and we had fun. We always had fun. Well, I did. Now I wonder if he ever did. Did he enjoy the things he said he did? If he...

“We’re keeping Anna. She is staying in my room. I’ve been anxious today. I had a bad day at school. The Rivotril helped. I take it 3 times a day now.” Every time I post a blog it has been a hectic day. I always want to talk about my day but I want to save it for when we have finished my entries. I'm going to stray a bit this entry. Sometimes things happen and you have no control over them. Sometimes life gets extra scary and you struggle to deal. Sometimes people you love hurt you. I know everyone suffers. It is a part of living. I know when I struggle I have a wonderful support system and people who take such great care of me. I know that when the people suffer, there is very little you can do to soothe the mind. But I always try to bring as much comfort to those around me as I can. Like the hypocratic oath says, First, do no harm. Try to live your life being considerate of others. You never know what demons they might be battling. I now this seems like a jumbled mess but I k...

“Bad day at school today. There was an incident when I got home and I feel weird. Different than I have before. Lonely. Depressed. Anxious. Everything is messed up. I see Richard tomorrow. It’s an emergency appointment. Things are a little better with Rose.” Life is scary sometimes and it feels too big and real and unmanageable. Other times I am doing something with someone I love and I realise how great life is and how there are so many opportunities. Life is good and it is bad. Just like people. There are no good people or bad people. There are only people doing their best to get along and having bad days and good days. Doing good things and bad things. Life is complicated but it is also wonderful. Take a deep breath and realise the things or people in your life who make life better. Enjoy those things. E.H.

“I’m tired of all this fighting. I really wish it would end. I was actually tempted to take more pills than normal. I hate this. I hate my life. I’m so tired. Of everything. Of all the pills and the tantrums and the insults and not being heard. I’m tired of crying all by myself. I’m over it.” Some days are more difficult than others, some seem to drag and drip along. Today is one of those days. On days like this I look for the good things in my life and cherish them. Because, they are what make life a little bit more bearable.  E.H. 

“I took a Rivotril at about 4. I could feel myself getting angry. I decided to take one at 6 and 3 tomorrow. I feel rather anxious tonight and kinda ignored. Dad has been praising Rose and Bella.”  I have been on a lot of medication over the years and Rivotril has been one of the few medications that has always helped. I have been taking it roughly from the beginning in 2014 and still take it today. If only my medication could have been prescribed like they are now back then. But, then it would have changed my whole life and I am pretty happy with how it has turned out. For once I am planning for the future and that has been something I haven't been able to do in years.  E.H.

“I seriously considered killing myself today. My brain was cloudy and I was upset and I considered it. And then I counted until I fell asleep. I also had a long chat with the rentals. It might help but I’m still sad. I cried a lot today.” Whenever I've been in a really difficult time where my brain is too muddled then I alternate between praying and counting. These have always soothed me when I've been in times when my mind is in shambles. It is done in a bit of a repetitive, compulsive way. But it helps.  E.H. 

“I saw Richard today. He’s not in the office next week so I only see him on the 12 th . Which is the day before inter-schools. I cried today during my session. It was the first time I’ve ever cried during a session with Richard. Dad has a tick bite on his groin and the skin is all eaten away and gross. I’m losing faith here. I feel like I’m dying from loneliness. I just want someone who will just be there for me no matter what.” I am so glad that even when I thought I couldn't anymore I found some reason, however stupid it may be, to keep going. I have this friend who messages me whenever he gets down and is suicidal. I have been in a similar place to him. A place where you think there is no way you could possibly survive after feeling this kind of pain or loneliness. I never thought I would get to the place I am now where the future suddenly seems possible. It's scary and a hella long road but if you just keep doing the best you can everyday, even if that means staying in...

“I wrote Mom and Dad a letter yesterday and told them how I feel and what I need from them. It went better that talking to them would have. I still need something more though. I have a headache all the time. I need to go get done for bed.” Things in my house get very heated very fast. In order to counteract this effect of this I sometimes write letters. The only problem with this is that things don't really get addressed properly afterwards. My psychologist has called my family 'emotionally intense'. I love them but we don't communicate well. My Mom and I have been seeing my psychologist and have been taught some tricks. We also had a family session which has helped.  E.H.

“Mom is being mean. She is yelling and cursing. I did everything she asked me to, I didn’t complain about waiting, I covered my books, I did my homework at school. And then I’m tired and I ask for help with my dishes and no. It’s too much. I bet if Rose had asked they would have said yes. Why can’t they just understand instead of judging. Mom said she hates me and that it’s no wonder I’m alone. Parents are supposed to love you no matter what. And I don’t think mine do anymore. That literally means I’m alone in the world. 16 and alone. Why can they just not try and understand the reasons behind the things I do. Instead they just get mad. And that’s not what Richard said they are supposed to do. And they agreed. It’s not fair. Why don’t they get it? They never do. I’m just tired. I tried really hard today.”  My Mom is one of the most wonderful people I know. She is kind and loving and wise and sweet. She cares about people more than is expected and she loves with such loyalty. G...

“So I watched TV today. I am so mad at Nick. He was going away camping this weekend and never even told me. But he told Rose. I covered books today. Dad and I fought. He said he only has two daughters at the moment and he wants the third back. I’m aggressive and irritable and I’m tired of it.”  My Dad is one of the greatest guys I know. He is strong and sensitive and kind. Growing up he was the kind of man who I knew would set  an example for my husband. Things between Dad and I deteriorated when things went badly between him and Mom. I took Mom's side because of the childish view that there are right and wrong parties in a marriage. I regret that immensely now and I have tried my best to make amends for my poor behaviour. When I was really sick my parents struggled to deal with my illness and I grew distant from them. Dad has tried really hard to fix things. He also has issues but I know he tries his best with us.  E.H. 

“So I watched TV all day. It was nice not having to think so much. Mom and I are always fighting. I’m tired of the constant struggle. I’m tired of medication, mood swings, argument, shouting and crying. I’m just tired. I wish I could just get a break from all of this. Mom and Dad don’t get it. But, the truth is that I am the problem. I’m the one who causes the problems. And, whenever I’m okay, Rose ruins it. I literally hate my life. I hate myself and what I do and what I’m feeling. And the self-pity. I’m tired of that too. I’m alone. When it comes down to the nitty gritty, I’m alone. I’m the only one who is there for myself in the end. Even Dad said today that it’s difficult to care for me and love me. And he is the one who says he’ll always love. So I am the only one I can actually count on. I’m alone and I’m tired. I’ve isolated myself. And all of this is my fault. I’ve caused these problems myself. I am the problem. I’m the one who causes all the arguments. I’m the root of the pro...

“So I spoke to Richard today. We discussed psychiatrists. Richard says I should see whomever I feel comfortable with and I don’t feel comfortable with my psychiatrist anymore. She just went on vacation without warning us we wouldn’t be able to contact her and then she did the same thing with her maternity leave. One day she just wasn’t available to see. She is supposed to be on top of things. I told this to Richard who said he’d help us find someone else. Someone who fits. I first aided today. Lilah, Nick and I were messing around and had quite a lot of fun. I decided I’m tired of being at odds with Justin so I messaged him and took responsibility for my part.” I have seen several psychiatrists and the one I am seeing currently seems to be working. I liked my previous psychiatrist and she was a really lovely lady but I have a very strong personality and when I didn't like my medication we would change it too quickly. But she definitely helped my parents deal with me when ...

"First day was okay. More anxiety. Same class, same teachers. I see Richard tomorrow. I feel anxious because Dad says he is feeling nauseous.” Richard is my psychologist. He is a really great guy and we get along well. I prefer him to my previous psychologist because that psychologist was seeing both Rose and I and she made it so clear she preferred Rose. So we didn't get along. She just made me feel more stuck in my ways and made me feel like all my problems were trivial and that they were all my fault. I like Richard because he speaks in a way that make sense to me. He doesn't bullshit me and is always clear when I'm wrong or being difficult. I like how he manages to make me feel like it's okay when things go wrong and that I am capable of handling the things that do go wrong. He is one of my favourite people and after my sessions each week I always tell my Mom that I'd like to shrink (har har har, that pun though) him and keep him in my pocket. He has h...

“It’s just before bed and I’m really nervous about tomorrow. I hope I’ll be fine. I’ll just pray and pray and pray. Please, Jesus, help me tonight and tomorrow. Help me get through this without freaking out or freaking the girls out.” I'm not exactly super religious but I do believe in a higher power as I've mentioned before. When I struggle I like to turn to something or someone bigger than myself. I think that all Gods are good Gods and that believing in something bigger than yourself helps makes problems in life easier to swallow by giving me a better perspective.  Sorry for being AWOL these last few days. I was without internet access. And, I missed this and I also REALLY missed Instagram. E.H. 

8:35am  “So it took me quite a while to get to sleep last night. Less than the night before. Things still aren’t back to normal after yesterday. I’m still upset and Dad and I aren’t talking. Last night I kind of booked a meeting with Mom and Dad for today. Hopefully it goes well and I don’t get upset. I still feel as though Mom and Dad don’t see the turmoil I’m going through.  Even though last night Mom said she did see. I’m really nervous about going back to school. I’m worried I will get kicked out of my class or move from Ms Meadow’s class. “ 5:15pm “You know, I’m tired of people making fun of me. Rose always does and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of people always poking fun at me. And Mom and Dad don’t do anything about it. I’m so annoyed. So sick of it all. And Wednesday is back to school and I can’t believe it. I am so nervous. I’m freaking out. I literally don’t know how to cope and keep on going.” It's strange how that in most of my entries I talk ...

“I can’t do this anymore. I’m going crazy. I’m mad all the time and so miserable. I’m isolating myself but it’s the only thing that keep me sane. When I’m around people it’s too much for me. I don’t want to go to school. And Rose is being such a demon. She won’t leave me alone. She keeps butting in in my life. I can’t even go to the bathroom without her giving her dumb, unwanted opinion. Nick and I haven’t swapped presents yet. So 20 minutes ago he asked if he could come drop of the present. Firstly, I’m not dressed. I don’t feel like the exchange. It makes me anxious and I don’t feel like seeing Nick or anyone. So Rose knows because she and Nick talk. And I don’t mind them talking. She wants me to mind, but I don’t. She wants me to tell her not. Which would just give her the power she is seeking by freaking me out. Anyway, Rose tells Dad and Mom. Then she comes into my room and tells me how I’m so horrible to Nick. Which is just wrong. I’m one of the few people who are nice to him. T...

“I am so miserable. I have no idea what to do with myself. I just eat and eat. I literally repulse myself. I absolutely hate it. I just eat. Anything. I’m lonely and dumb for not studying and I wish I just would. I don’t know what to do. I’ve put on so much weight and everything sucks. Now Mrs Josephs is leaving and now I’m just grumpy and miserable and hating myself. When I shower, I hate it because I have to see my body. I don’t want to go to school. I don’t want to study. I hate this feeling where I want to go home. What do you do then? Because I am home. I just wish I could man up and do something. Instead I eat and lounge doing nothing. I hate myself. I hate life. I disappoint myself and those around me. And I’m so tired. Just bone deep exhausted.” It's strange how there are patterns in my entries. Every year, or every few months, the same issues and topics arise. You wouldn't see it yet but I see issues in this entry that I'm still dealing with today. Or, still dea...

“I have had such a bad week. I am so exhausted. I’m tired of everything. I don’t want to do anything. I’m too sick of everything to even think about killing myself. I had an argument with Mom yesterday. It was after lunch and she wanted to hang up washing. I wanted to go chill but she said she wouldn’t let me take my phone. So Rose comes in and takes my phone and runs outside. Dad says to her to give it back, I was yelling for her to give it back and she wouldn’t. So Dad got my phone back and I went to my room. Rose goes and tells Mom I’m on my phone. So Mom comes in and yells at me to give her the phone. I said no, I wouldn’t. She then went on about ‘wiping her hands of me’ and I must get my own way to my psychiatrist and psychologist appointments. Then, she says to Dad that she is so sick of that ‘fucking bitch’. I then went to my room and slept until dinner. I’m just so sick of everything. I just want it to be over. Mrs Josephs says she’s praying for me but I kind of wish she wasn’...

“Today was awful. I barely ate last night because I felt sick. So I woke up very hungry. This morning I went to get a banana. I was already feeling sick the night before and felt sick again the next morning. But I got dressed and ate and brushed my teeth. Then when Mom was in the laundry I went to tell her I wasn’t feeling well. Which I hate because she always asks if I need a bucket. But I told her and then asked if I could take medication for my tummy. And the I did. Then we got in the car and I wasn’t feeling well. Icky. The whole way to school. I played with my fingers and I prayed and I counted. It was awful. I was scared and upset and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go to school. Mom pulled up at the tennis courts and the girls got out. I told her I wasn’t feeling well. I expected her to believe me and I thought she’d let me go to work with her. But she wouldn’t. She said I had to go to school. But I wouldn’t get out the car. So Mom drove to the front of the school. I was c...