Skip to main content

25th Entry - 17 August 2014

“I have had such a bad week. I am so exhausted. I’m tired of everything. I don’t want to do anything. I’m too sick of everything to even think about killing myself. I had an argument with Mom yesterday. It was after lunch and she wanted to hang up washing. I wanted to go chill but she said she wouldn’t let me take my phone. So Rose comes in and takes my phone and runs outside. Dad says to her to give it back, I was yelling for her to give it back and she wouldn’t. So Dad got my phone back and I went to my room. Rose goes and tells Mom I’m on my phone. So Mom comes in and yells at me to give her the phone. I said no, I wouldn’t. She then went on about ‘wiping her hands of me’ and I must get my own way to my psychiatrist and psychologist appointments. Then, she says to Dad that she is so sick of that ‘fucking bitch’. I then went to my room and slept until dinner. I’m just so sick of everything. I just want it to be over. Mrs Josephs says she’s praying for me but I kind of wish she wasn’t so it would just get worse and I could just end it all.” 

My relationship with my sisters is a strange one. There is nothing we wouldn't do for one another except everything. What I mean is that we will help each other in times of need but when it comes to passing the juice we have a problem. We grew up pretty isolated and always depended on one another. Looking back, I feel like I've depended on them slightly more than they have on me. I have always looked to Rose to take care of me. And, all in all, over the years, she has done a pretty damn good job. I always looked to her for support and guidance. I also depended on Bella. She is younger but much more resilient. She is a survivor. She will take any situation and add a positive spin or funny story. Rose is a hilarious person. She can take any situation and have everyone doubled over in laughter. Whenever I'm upset though, she will take me and envelope me in a big hug and dry away my tears. She will sit me down and listen until I feel okay again. My bipolar has been very difficult for the two of them and to a degree, I robbed them of a few years of their lives. I know I have no control, or little control, but it still hurts that they suffered. 

E.H.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

80th Entry - 29 April 2017, 9pm

"So. Wow. You've missed a lot. John and I are dating as of the 18th. It's wonderful and gentle and sweet and all kinds of lovely. He's more fantastic than before. I mean, he was always great but things are kinda perfect now. Which scares me. I feel like it's easier to get hurt now. And not just me. He can be hurt by me too. It's equally great and terrifying. It's just really difficult when he leaves. It makes me sad and mopey and generally unpleasant-feeling. I think the trouble is that it all seems so normal that things seem like we've been dating forever and it has been a week. Which is scary. I feel like I'm less mature and ready than everybody thinks. I am doubting myself a lot and it's difficult. How do you deal with your own views of yourself? I don't see myself as a particularly bad person but I just don't see whatever it is that John, Nick and Richard see. I think I need to speak to the girls about making fun of me. It really br...
Post a Comment
Read more

20th Entry - 27 April 2014

“So medication muddle again. I took Dopaquel last night and another 50g this morning at 11:00. It sucks. I was as high as a kite. It’s so confusing. You just feel like you’re floating. Mom wants me to go back on Serdep. Dad does too. But I don’t want to. It never goes well. I don’t feel in control. I have no say over what my body does. Rose said to me a few nights ago that she used to know me inside and out and now she has no idea who I am. That she doesn’t even recognise me. I’m not really surprised because you could see it. But the really scary thing is that I didn’t even care. I don’t feel anything. Nothing. People can make me mad, can hurt me but I feel nothing. I feel hollow. My taste, my love for people and for music. It’s just gone. I’s like I’m an empty shell. Nothing in here. I don’t understand what’s happened to me. I’m not this person. I know I’m not. I am a loving person. I’m passionate. And now it’s all just gone. What do I do? I’m hurting everyone I love. I can see mysel...
Post a Comment
Read more

78th Entry - 29 March 2017, 7pm

"Mom is at her work conference. So it's just Dad, Rose, Bella and I, And Steve. It's weird not having Mom at home. I'm feeling vulnerable and slightly irritable. Which is not cool. I spent this afternoon watching a bit of TV with Bella and then I spent the evening with Dad. I don't want him to be lonely without Mom. I don't know what is up with me at the moment. I feel lethargic and like I have no motivation. It's weird. And uncomfortable. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel useless and bored and frustrated. I want to do something else but I don't really know what to do. I get energy sometimes but it never lasts. Sometimes I feel like I can do work this year. But then I don't feel like I can do anything. I feel like these entries are really repetitive. My life feels repetitive too. Like everyday is the same thing with the same problems. It's difficult with Nick right now because I feel like we are in two different paces in our relations...
Post a Comment
Read more