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27th Entry - 8 January 2015, 5pm

“I can’t do this anymore. I’m going crazy. I’m mad all the time and so miserable. I’m isolating myself but it’s the only thing that keep me sane. When I’m around people it’s too much for me. I don’t want to go to school. And Rose is being such a demon. She won’t leave me alone. She keeps butting in in my life. I can’t even go to the bathroom without her giving her dumb, unwanted opinion. Nick and I haven’t swapped presents yet. So 20 minutes ago he asked if he could come drop of the present. Firstly, I’m not dressed. I don’t feel like the exchange. It makes me anxious and I don’t feel like seeing Nick or anyone. So Rose knows because she and Nick talk. And I don’t mind them talking. She wants me to mind, but I don’t. She wants me to tell her not. Which would just give her the power she is seeking by freaking me out. Anyway, Rose tells Dad and Mom. Then she comes into my room and tells me how I’m so horrible to Nick. Which is just wrong. I’m one of the few people who are nice to him. Then, Dad comes into my room and is like, why were you mean to Nick. Then, Mom comes in and says not to yell at her but why was I mean to Nick. So, I tell her to get out. She doesn’t. So I yell at her to get out. But they just won’t leave me alone. It’s none of their fricking business. If Rose weren’t such an uptight, nosy bitch this wouldn’t have happened. I have had it with her crap. I swear I am going to slap her next time she messes with me. The reason I’m alone is because I choose it. When I’m around people we just fight and I don’t want to fight. So, I’m alone. But, then they fricking bug me and I yell. Because there is nothing else I can do to get them to listen and cause some hurt. I hate this house. I hate my life. I hate myself. And I wish I hadn’t been born. Being dead would be easier than ‘living’. I hate living. Each day just carries new crap and I’m tired of it. No one sees how much I’m suffering and none of them do anything. I literally don’t think I’m going to be able to do this much longer. I physically, mentally and emotionally can’t put up with this pain and turmoil. I’m so tired of fighting and struggling. Every day is just a new war I can’t win. And, I cant take much more hurt. Every day there is arguing with Rose, Bella and Mom. And Rose always gets involved in my business and says such mean stuff.” 

Nick and I are best friends but sometimes it feels like we are from different planets. He is always there for me and a great guy but I will never have him figured out. As per usual there is fighting with Rose. You will see that a lot. It doesn't mean that we don't love each other, it just means we work differently and have different ideas and thoughts on most things. Things with my parents are always hectic. In my family we all love each other but that just sometimes isn't enough to keep us together. Last night was a hectic night. I was just sad things are difficult. I was missing how simpler things seemed when I was younger. Not that they were easier. It just seemed like that. Things are rarely ever easy. But that is okay. It just means you have to fight a little harder to make life okay. And most days I'm okay with that. 

E.H.  

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