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32nd Entry - 24 Janauary 2015, 9pm

“So I watched TV all day. It was nice not having to think so much. Mom and I are always fighting. I’m tired of the constant struggle. I’m tired of medication, mood swings, argument, shouting and crying. I’m just tired. I wish I could just get a break from all of this. Mom and Dad don’t get it. But, the truth is that I am the problem. I’m the one who causes the problems. And, whenever I’m okay, Rose ruins it. I literally hate my life. I hate myself and what I do and what I’m feeling. And the self-pity. I’m tired of that too. I’m alone. When it comes down to the nitty gritty, I’m alone. I’m the only one who is there for myself in the end. Even Dad said today that it’s difficult to care for me and love me. And he is the one who says he’ll always love. So I am the only one I can actually count on. I’m alone and I’m tired. I’ve isolated myself. And all of this is my fault. I’ve caused these problems myself. I am the problem. I’m the one who causes all the arguments. I’m the root of the problem. I wish I hadn’t been born. I’m tired of going through the motions. I’m tired of living. I’m sixteen, for crying out loud. I just wish. I just wish for the nonsense to stop. I’m sick of being insulted. Even if I deserve it sometimes. I am empty. I’ve become empty inside. I’m a hollow person. No goodness left. What do I do? Richard can’t always get back to me. And it’s unfair to always bug him. Not a single soul has spoken to me today. I’m isolated. But it’s actually a little bit better that way. As John Green said, I’m like a time bomb and I want to reduce the casualties.”

I went through a hectic John Green phase. I read all of his books numerous times and I was obsessed. He really helped me find some joy in a time when I was really struggling. Books have always done that for me. I read hundreds of books a year and they soothe me like little else can. I am totally guilty of being a bookworm. Don't even get me started on the Harry Potter series. I've read just about every Young Adult book of fiction that there is. Not to mention the mysteries and the thrillers and the romance. Don't even let me start about the romance. Books helped me in a time I wouldn't let people help me. I will always be thankful for that.  

E.H.

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