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36th Entry - 29 January 2015, 10pm

“I saw Richard today. He’s not in the office next week so I only see him on the 12th. Which is the day before inter-schools. I cried today during my session. It was the first time I’ve ever cried during a session with Richard. Dad has a tick bite on his groin and the skin is all eaten away and gross. I’m losing faith here. I feel like I’m dying from loneliness. I just want someone who will just be there for me no matter what.”

I am so glad that even when I thought I couldn't anymore I found some reason, however stupid it may be, to keep going. I have this friend who messages me whenever he gets down and is suicidal. I have been in a similar place to him. A place where you think there is no way you could possibly survive after feeling this kind of pain or loneliness. I never thought I would get to the place I am now where the future suddenly seems possible. It's scary and a hella long road but if you just keep doing the best you can everyday, even if that means staying in bed and watching 10 hours of series, then do that. All you have to focus on is getting from one hour to the next and everything else will sort itself out. It's really difficult to tell someone who is suffering that it will get better, because when you are at your worst you scoff at the person and tell them to get the fuck away from you. But, when it comes down to it, just find one little thing that makes the loneliness and the pain a little less present and focus on doing that. Because, with enough time, therapy and medication, everything sorts itself out and you will suddenly find yourself doing something you haven't done in a while, you'll be living. 

E.H.

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