37th Entry - 31 January 2015, 11pm

“I seriously considered killing myself today. My brain was cloudy and I was upset and I considered it. And then I counted until I fell asleep. I also had a long chat with the rentals. It might help but I’m still sad. I cried a lot today.”

Whenever I've been in a really difficult time where my brain is too muddled then I alternate between praying and counting. These have always soothed me when I've been in times when my mind is in shambles. It is done in a bit of a repetitive, compulsive way. But it helps.

E.H.

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80th Entry - 29 April 2017, 9pm

"So. Wow. You've missed a lot. John and I are dating as of the 18th. It's wonderful and gentle and sweet and all kinds of lovely. He's more fantastic than before. I mean, he was always great but things are kinda perfect now. Which scares me. I feel like it's easier to get hurt now. And not just me. He can be hurt by me too. It's equally great and terrifying. It's just really difficult when he leaves. It makes me sad and mopey and generally unpleasant-feeling. I think the trouble is that it all seems so normal that things seem like we've been dating forever and it has been a week. Which is scary. I feel like I'm less mature and ready than everybody thinks. I am doubting myself a lot and it's difficult. How do you deal with your own views of yourself? I don't see myself as a particularly bad person but I just don't see whatever it is that John, Nick and Richard see. I think I need to speak to the girls about making fun of me. It really br...

20th Entry - 27 April 2014

“So medication muddle again. I took Dopaquel last night and another 50g this morning at 11:00. It sucks. I was as high as a kite. It’s so confusing. You just feel like you’re floating. Mom wants me to go back on Serdep. Dad does too. But I don’t want to. It never goes well. I don’t feel in control. I have no say over what my body does. Rose said to me a few nights ago that she used to know me inside and out and now she has no idea who I am. That she doesn’t even recognise me. I’m not really surprised because you could see it. But the really scary thing is that I didn’t even care. I don’t feel anything. Nothing. People can make me mad, can hurt me but I feel nothing. I feel hollow. My taste, my love for people and for music. It’s just gone. I’s like I’m an empty shell. Nothing in here. I don’t understand what’s happened to me. I’m not this person. I know I’m not. I am a loving person. I’m passionate. And now it’s all just gone. What do I do? I’m hurting everyone I love. I can see mysel...

78th Entry - 29 March 2017, 7pm

"Mom is at her work conference. So it's just Dad, Rose, Bella and I, And Steve. It's weird not having Mom at home. I'm feeling vulnerable and slightly irritable. Which is not cool. I spent this afternoon watching a bit of TV with Bella and then I spent the evening with Dad. I don't want him to be lonely without Mom. I don't know what is up with me at the moment. I feel lethargic and like I have no motivation. It's weird. And uncomfortable. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel useless and bored and frustrated. I want to do something else but I don't really know what to do. I get energy sometimes but it never lasts. Sometimes I feel like I can do work this year. But then I don't feel like I can do anything. I feel like these entries are really repetitive. My life feels repetitive too. Like everyday is the same thing with the same problems. It's difficult with Nick right now because I feel like we are in two different paces in our relations...

meet me and my mind

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