meet me and my mind

“So I’m officially sorta enrolled at Spot's. It’s this informal school where we still go to classes and switch classes. The people are really great. It’s a really versatile, funny group. They all have so much potential and I can see so much pain. But they all rise above that and act with kindness. The teachers are also fantastic. The bio and physics teacher is amazing. Bio is by far my favourite class followed by English. LO is also pretty cool because then the whole class is together and I love the dynamic. On another note, I frickken miss Max. I miss his face and his hands and, embarrassingly, I miss all the intimate moments we had. It kinda drives me crazy. How can you think during the day with big, warm hands on your mind? Answer: you can’t. It is also super embarrassing. It was easier when Max was around to talk to about this. It made me feel less crazy. But I’m so damn scared he doesn’t want me. I mean he hasn’t called in almost 2 weeks. Every night since he phoned I have be...

“Things are crazy hectic. I’ll catch you up. I went to the clinic again because I was super depressed. At the clinic I met this 27 year old guy. Totally gorgeous and sweet. Lanky, gawky but kinda smooth. Brown hair, brown eyes, soft lips and even softer back (weird). Warm hands and over-medicated eyes that still sparkle. There are demons behind there too. I miss him. It all started with a friend of mine who saw him playing guitar and said he plays well. Then when a bunch of us were sitting together talking about first kisses and I said how I’d never actually made out with someone he made some suggestive comment about changing that before I left. I told him to explain and then he acted all confused. I said either lay out what you mean or take it back. So we skipped around that for a few days. Then when it was just the two of us he came over and kissed me. He warned me and I could have stopped it but I didn’t. It was just a peck but it was so Max. His smell, his taste. Always tasting of...

“I’m so sick of this. Like what the hell. All these people feeling so much pain in one building. I just want to cry. I’m tired of having to be strong for everyone around me. I want them to be strong for me. I know I choose to be strong for them and take on others’ pain. But I just want just one person who I’m not paying or are my parents to see that I need help. Or lust? Love? Passion? Friendship? But what do I do until things get better or I feel better? How do I cope until then? I only see Richard and Dr Edgeley again on Monday. That’s a long time in clinic time. I’m tired of people and at the same time I crave their presence. But what I want now is a shoulder to cry on. A specific shoulder. Not even saying it. My brain is such a mess. What am I going to do?”  My times in the clinic are not the best times. They have to be pretty bad for me to actually be admitted and then things usually get worse from there. I make friends with pretty much everyone. I was a part of the teena...

“I’m so tired. I just don’t feel like I can do this much longer. I need to either feel better or for it to, you know, stop. But as I promised Dad, Dr Edgeley and Richard. I will tell them first. I owe them that after all they’ve put in. I don’t know why but all the adults treat me weirdly. I have made a few friends that is difficult because I feel like I feel everything all the time. It’s draining. But my few friends are all that are keeping me okay here. Among my new friends is this adorable 78 year old called Hugh. He is English and probably the sweetest man I know. I have a few teenager friends but they have quite a lot of drama that tires me out quickly. But it’s not their fault I take their problems onto me to a certain degree. A lot of the time I feel lost but I just don’t know anymore. I miss Mom and Dad and the girls a lot. It’s very difficult.” This was written while I was still in the clinic. It was a weird time and things get super hectic in a while. Lots of drama in th...

“So I’m back at the clinic for the third time. But, as per usual it’s one of my attempts to pacify Mom and Dad. I have no interest in getting better.” Looking back on this entry makes me really sad. It hurts me to know that there were times where I was so set on dying. And I don't remember them so it's strange that a part of me wanted that. I mean, most people have thought at some point that they hate their life and that wish for another one or a new one or for no life at all but to go through a long period of time like that is sad.  In other news this was a bad week for me. I had a tummy bug and things were kinda hectic because I'm getting my period and that always makes me pretty emotional.  E.H.

“I’m so confused. I’m miserable and snappy and I’m pushing everyone away. It’s not only me though. Those around me are insensitive. I’m really struggling and don’t know what to do. I’m so tired.”  I'm going to talk about my day. I am sick with a stomach stuff and I thought I had another a kidney stone. I'm okay though. Just a sore and cramping tummy. But life is still good.  E.H.

“Wow. What a hectic few weeks. Operation, clinic again, bladder infection, birthday. I’m miserable. So miserable and depressed and tired. I’ve been cooped up and now I’m being driven slowly insane. I’m really struggling at the moment. I don’t really know what is going on with my life. And it’s really scary. I don’t know what is happening or where things are going with me. What do you do when you’re confused and scared and there is nothing to be done. I’m worried about going back to school. I wish I could just go straight through to studying at Varsity. I don’t have the energy to go back to school and deal with all the people and the drama. It has been pretty drama-free since August. And it’s been so lovely. Jack. What to say about that. He is still occupying valuable space in my mind. Space that should be filled with other things. I can’t actually believe I’m still struggling with the whole thing. I still miss him and still don’t understand what happened between us. Things just ended....

“So I’m still broken after the Jack thing. I cried for like an hour yesterday. He hates me. He seems to think I told Carly not to be his friend. Which isn’t true. I have done nothing wrong yet I have been dumped, broken and shat on. It sucks. Totally unfair. I always had completely pure motives for being Carly’s friend. Now Paige is involved and I’m just tired. Why can’t I catch a break? I just want a little happy in my life. I feel like a broken person. I miss him so much it hurts. I miss all the cute things he used to like the baby yawns. I miss the laughs and I miss having someone to talk to. I wish I knew what I’d done but I don’t. I honestly don’t know what I did to him. Now he’s moved on and likes Carly. Total suckatude. Would I go through it again? Would I be hurt again as long as I had the happy times too. Yes, I frickken would. What did I do that was so bad to deserve such sucking in my life? I wish God would do something and fix my life a little.”  My time at high sc...