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50th Entry - 14 April 2016, 8pm

“So I’m officially sorta enrolled at Spot's. It’s this informal school where we still go to classes and switch classes. The people are really great. It’s a really versatile, funny group. They all have so much potential and I can see so much pain. But they all rise above that and act with kindness. The teachers are also fantastic. The bio and physics teacher is amazing. Bio is by far my favourite class followed by English. LO is also pretty cool because then the whole class is together and I love the dynamic. On another note, I frickken miss Max. I miss his face and his hands and, embarrassingly, I miss all the intimate moments we had. It kinda drives me crazy. How can you think during the day with big, warm hands on your mind? Answer: you can’t. It is also super embarrassing. It was easier when Max was around to talk to about this. It made me feel less crazy. But I’m so damn scared he doesn’t want me. I mean he hasn’t called in almost 2 weeks. Every night since he phoned I have been checking my phone like crazy every 2 seconds. And tonight I forgot. It didn’t even cross my mind to check my phone. Am I forgetting him? Part of me thinks this is a good thing. There are some really cute guys at school and one of them makes me very nervous. Another is very kind. But I can only think of comparing them to Max. He has totally messed with my brain. And oh my soul! Spot's is so expensive. We have to cut down on everything. Mom and Dad are in a total tizz. And I’m not trying to sound selfish but I’m going to need some new clothes now that I’m wearing casual clothes everyday. Weird though. Richard and Dr Edgeley are a thing. Not so cool part is that Richard is John’s dad and is married to John’s mom, Aunt Lily. I’m scared. Really scared that I won’t stay stable. And that school will become unbearable. That I won’t be happy. I want my zen back. And, goddammit, I will fight with EVERY cell of my being for it. I will not lie down and play dead. I will get up and fight. I will not be swallowed by my illness. My love for myself and everyone around me will get me though. I will do this. World beware.”

So. Info needed here. Richard is my amazing psychologist. He is my second one and I have been seeing him for years. About a year into seeing him, I had a session with him and Mom where I was saying how difficult it is to have no one who understands what I'm dealing with. Richard did something pretty unprofessional but life-saving: he introduced me to John, his son who suffered with the same bipolar I did and was the same age. This all happened November of 2015. So we have been friends since then. We met in person January 2016 and I have been seeing him on the weekends since then cos he lives kinda far away. When I was first told about Richard and Dr Edgeley I was so happy because Richard had been acting weird for a while and I was scared he was moving to Australia. But then I realised how upset John and Aunt Lily must be. Side note here- I use Aunt and Uncle when referring to any adult older than me. It's how I grew up. Not every Aunt or Uncle is an actual aunt of uncle. Truth be told, John had a small role in this entry but a major role in my life. 
I am kind of surprised by this last part of my entry because I was kinda pumping myself up. That doesn't happen very often. It feels kinda of embarrassing to have that out there. 

E.H.

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