meet me and my mind

"So. Wow. You've missed a lot. John and I are dating as of the 18th. It's wonderful and gentle and sweet and all kinds of lovely. He's more fantastic than before. I mean, he was always great but things are kinda perfect now. Which scares me. I feel like it's easier to get hurt now. And not just me. He can be hurt by me too. It's equally great and terrifying. It's just really difficult when he leaves. It makes me sad and mopey and generally unpleasant-feeling. I think the trouble is that it all seems so normal that things seem like we've been dating forever and it has been a week. Which is scary. I feel like I'm less mature and ready than everybody thinks. I am doubting myself a lot and it's difficult. How do you deal with your own views of yourself? I don't see myself as a particularly bad person but I just don't see whatever it is that John, Nick and Richard see. I think I need to speak to the girls about making fun of me. It really br...

"So I kissed John yesterday. A few times, actually. And we cuddled and stuff. No funky business though. No tongue either. It was nice, a little strange. He was really gentlemanly. Very kind throughout all of it. And we spoke about it. I'm still not completely sure how I feel about all of this though. I feel guilty about Nick. I don't know why. So anyway, I went to John's yesterday. Mom dropped me in the morning and then we went to pick up Josie, his little sister, and then went to the shop for pancake supplies. After that we went back to their house and made pancakes. Naturally, we ate the pancakes. Then Josie did the rest of the pancakes and dishes while we watched Moana. We kissed during the movie. We spoke about it and then finished the movie. We went over to Richard and Dr Edgeley's flat which was a little awkward. But I got through it and it was all good." Not much of a shocker with this one. I think everyone saw it coming except maybe me. All in all...

"Mom is at her work conference. So it's just Dad, Rose, Bella and I, And Steve. It's weird not having Mom at home. I'm feeling vulnerable and slightly irritable. Which is not cool. I spent this afternoon watching a bit of TV with Bella and then I spent the evening with Dad. I don't want him to be lonely without Mom. I don't know what is up with me at the moment. I feel lethargic and like I have no motivation. It's weird. And uncomfortable. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel useless and bored and frustrated. I want to do something else but I don't really know what to do. I get energy sometimes but it never lasts. Sometimes I feel like I can do work this year. But then I don't feel like I can do anything. I feel like these entries are really repetitive. My life feels repetitive too. Like everyday is the same thing with the same problems. It's difficult with Nick right now because I feel like we are in two different paces in our relations...

"I'm kinda tired from this week. Nick was here Wednesday then Lilah was here Thursday and Friday and now Nick was here Friday and Saturday and now it's Saturday evening. Mom and I are squabbling. I'm tired of being not needed or wanted or loved. It's really difficult. The only times I feel normal or good are when I'm talking to Richard or John. It's the only time my brain works in a way that feels right and is comfortable. I'm worried that I'm developing feelings for John because I don't want to ruin our friendship or freak him out. I also don't really know what I'm feeling but I've just gotten him back and I don't want him to Houdini again. I'm unhappy about how things are at home. All the tension and fighting. I miss home being my sanctuary. I have no sanctuary anymore. I get to safely express myself are here, with John and with Richard in our sessions. I'm really struggling with my friendships with John and Nick becau...

"So I saw Richard today. And we spoke a lot. As per usual. We spoke about family stuff. Like how scared I am about the girls being upset and weird. And how it's difficult with them telling me nothing. we spoke about all the stuff Nick and I spoke about on Friday. How I don't think marriage and children are for me. How I worry I will pass my genetics on. Or that my condition will overtake my child's life. I don't want that. Any marriage to me would be terrible. How I'm fragile all the time. Richard says my concerns are valid but that things will change, I will be more stable and that I will be more capable of handling a relationship and stuff. Richard spoke about things at home and how things with the girls will one day be different. I hope so, anyway. So I have to have my wisdom teeth removed soon. Which sucks but I just want it to be over and done." It's kind of strange how most of the time when I type out my journal entries they seem to be relev...

"So, new journal. Weird. I've gotten used to the old one. But, you know. New year, same old me, might as well have a new journal. So Rose's birthday went well yesterday. No real arguments the whole day and she liked her presents. Which is cool because I helped pick out most of them. I got new running shoes this weekend. They are really pretty. So I'm home alone again today. Feeling a little bit under the weather. Sore mouth and jaw from my wisdom teeth. I feel really bad about this school thing. I feel like I've let Mom and Dad down. I just really thought I could do it in the beginning. I really had the energy and motivation.That's gone now but even though I have no control over my energy levels I wish I could have done Mom and Dad proud. I wish I could've shown the world I'm more capable than it thinks I am. I just wrote Mom and Dad an email telling them this about school. I think I'm going to write Bella a letter. She never does that now in High ...

"So it's Rose's birthday. I'm home alone. And I'm sad and tired. I miss the energy I had a week or two ago when I had motivation and was driven to do stuff. But now I'm just tired all the time. Richard  says I more people in my life. But I'm not sure I want more friends of convenience. I want meaningful connections. I have good friends already. Bella is seeing a psychologist. She is also depressed. I wish that all the people I love could be doing better. I wish I could help. I was talking to Nick about my future and how I just don't see one for myself. How marriage and children just don't seem in the future for me. How could I get married? How could I bind anyone in a contract to love me. It would be unfair. I feel like I will always be more fragile than everybody else. Marriage to me would mean that there would be three people in our marriage. My husband, my bipolar and me. Now children would be even more out of reach. How could I bring a beautifu...

"I saw Richard today. I'm super upset. Super emotional and vulnerable. Bella and I keep getting into arguments about gym. She just won't commit to anything. Won't put anything into the relationship. It upsets me to no end. I want to have a relationship with my sisters and they have no interest in having one with me. I wish that things would just good. For it to be okay. I just don't know. I've been so miserable these past two weeks. I'm too scared to go to gym by myself. And it hurts that Bella doesn't care to go with me. I'm not sure if I must go tomorrow. There is a water aerobics class that might be fun. I don't know why everything is so difficult. I could use some easy." E.H.

"I saw Prof today. It went well. He explained a lot about teenagers and why I don't remember stuff from the past few years. He  said it is because it was so traumatic that the memories are probably repressed. He is keeping me on Quetoser at 300mg and 0,5mg twice a day. One 0,5 Rivitrol at night  too. Sophie was put down yesterday. The lump on her side was too big. It was almost a third of her little bunny body. When I was saying my prayers last night I prayed for her like I normally do and I started crying again. Nick and I are getting on well. We are spending more time with each other. He comes over on the weekends and sleeps over. Then we spend the day together. He is really calm and patient and his presence is actually really surprisingly comforting. He is at college this year and is enjoying the work but doesn't like the people. He says they are either stupid or lazy. Dad sent him a link for some thing at his work. I helped Mom bake a cake for one of Bella's frien...

"So I haven't written in a while. I normally don't write when things are going well but things are going fairly well at the moment. Things seem t 13 February 2017, 4pm   o be going well. No extreme goods or bads. But normalish type things. Only problem is that my energy levels are less than before so now I'm kinda tired all the time. No wanting to do anything at all. And now I have all this work to do and I just can't. It sucks. Mom and Dad seem happy with how I am. Rose and Bella aren't. It's impossible to move on when every bad thing I've ever done is held against me. It's nice with Nick though. We are getting along pretty well and he's nice to be around." E.H. 

"I don't even know why I bother trying. Everyday I get up and do my best and it is never good enough. Nothing ever is. I'm not a good enough friend or sister or  daughter or granddaughter or student or patient or human. I fail at pretty much everything I try. I don't want to keep trying. I want out. Is there no escape clause or cancellation document? No get out of jail free card? Having me gone would hurt so few. Most people wouldn't even notice if I died. I can think of maximum 6 people who would be genuinely sad that I was gone. the rest would be sad for my family. No one knows my mind. This frightful tangle of self-hatred and hopeful ideals that will never end the war that was so long ago waged. I'm a good example of a  flaw in evolution. the higher being that made me was having a bad day. My life is a mess that will never be fixed. Years of a rusted soul that will never shine. All that's left is a broken girl and a dozen failed attempts when trying to ...

"So today was the same as always. Wake up and then busy work all day. Mom said it's important that I write down a few things to talk to Prof about. I just don't see the point. He pays no notice to the things I say. No one does. It feels like I talk with the purpose to explain and get help and everyone just listens with the purpose to make me finish faster. Everyday I try really hard to do what needs to be done. I go out and do things to keep busy. Not that I get any joy out of it."  E.H.

"What a waste of a life. I don't even know why I bother with life. At this point in time I can not think of one thing to keep living for. No one needs me here. My life is a waste. Someone else should be using the oxygen I waste everyday. I would trade my life for Granny's in an instant. She is needed. I am a waste. A third-wheeling waste of air and piece of crap. I bring no joy, love or kindness to anyone around me. I am a leech of happiness and fun. The Grinch of life. The anchor to the drowning man that is my life. I don't want this anymore. If there were an off switch I would be out of here. And, it's not like I am not afraid of death- I am. It scares me. But seriously, can hell be any worse than this shell of my life. A waste. This is a waste. There are hundreds of people everyday who wish that they or someone they love can have one more day. I will give my entire life to them. My death will be my unicorn moment. Not that I'll do anything." E.H.

"Well. Things are pretty crappy. I'm not enjoying anything and I hate this medication. I am just so angry all the time. It's ridiculous. I don't know what to do. John and I are fighting. Mom and I are fighting. Dad and I are fighting. I'm pretty awful. the issue is that what I see and feel doesn't match what everyone else sees and feels. I spend all day busy and doing things that don't make me happy." E.H.

"So I basically hate everything. I am grumpy and bored and irritable. I am so lost and angry that I can't actually do anything. I don't want my life anymore. Not that I want another life.I just don't want anything. My life is the same old, miserable crap everyday." There actually was an entry before this but all I said was nevermind. I sat down to write and just wrote nevermind. How extra am I? E.H.

"Wow. I miss the days where my most pressing issue was a boy liking Lilah over me. I listen to music and feel nothing. I read and feel nothing. Nothing plugs the hole that has become my life. No one seems to notice I'm drowning in this world. They notice me coming up for breath. I'm not waving, I'm drowning. These four people who are supposed to care about but can't seem to do that. And I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to keep on going. I'm so frightened. I'm lost and alone. I'm so scared. And when I'm not scared I'm angry. But no matter what I'm feeling, the numbness is still there. And that's the worst of all. And I'm constantly doubting every feeling and thought and numb emotion. I've never been as alone as I am now. I'm so close to giving up and no one sees me. they don't see the struggle. And I've run out of ways to try and explain my thoughts. My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into ...

"So my day was boring. Did nothing new. Nothing interesting. My life has legitimately got no meaning. No point. Grampa visited today. He rode up on his bike. I told him I never wrote my exams and he seemed embarrassed and changed the topic quickly. I hate knowing that I've disappointed him. And Granddad. Dad. Mom. The girls. Aunts and Uncles. Friends. Teachers. Everyone I've ever met. It's difficult having very few people who understand. John gets it but talking to him has been weird lately. There is a strain in our conversations. I miss him. Then there is Nick. Which is a totally impossible situation. I think I might have lost faith in our friendship. It sounds truly awful but I feel as though all that our friendship holds are expectations. I think the real issue is that I don't know how to people anymore. My brain just isn't working properly. I just don't know anymore. Everything feels so hopeless. What do you do when you have lost faith in everything. I...

"I don't know why but I guess I just felt the need to express myself. I'm really struggling at the moment and I keep asking and hinting to everyone that I need help and I'm just not getting it. Dad just goes quiet or he tries too hard to relate to me and Mom just says she can't help.I'm so lost right now. And I'm scared. I'm really scared. I can't really feel anything. It's like my emotions are behind a wall but I can still see them. I'm still suffering. Which is worse. I've been feeling really low these past few days and I'm scared about what will happen. What I will do to get away. I go through these bouts of misery, walled misery, but it's still bad enough that I pray and hope for death. Which I'm also scared of but it just seems the lesser of two evils. I'm also really scared that I'm losing myself more than I have already. I'm scared of all these emotions that are drowning me. This anger that rises and swamp...

"I have just watched a movie and realised a strange thing. What happened with Max was brought up a few times this week. The first time was by me after I cleaned my room and discarded the letters I wrote. I told everyone that I tore them up and threw them away. The second time was when Mom brought it up after I complained about Dad smelling like smoke. And, then Rose brought it up sometime later. Anyway, my point was that in this movie I watched this 19 year old girl who falls in love with a 37 year old guy. She tells him she wants to have sex and it's her first time. He tells her he respects her too much and that it's the right thing to do. Max was the older than me and should have known better. Although, being young is no excuse for my stupid behaviour. I will eventually learn to accept what happened and be okay with it. Until then I just need everyone to be a little more gentle. I was young and silly and Max was young older and just wrong. He was, however, sick. But tha...

"Wow. I don't remember ever being in a place like this. I have literally no idea what is going on. I'm so lost. I have so many good things in my life but nothing makes me feel any better. It's all temporary. i can see all the good things in my life I just cant feel it. I'm not even a person anymore. I'm just an empty person-shaped thing. I'm so alone. I used to have mom. She used to just get me. but now, now I'm just alone. I have never felt this alone before. Nothing makes me feel better. Not TV, not books, not even music. I don't want my life anymore. Every night in bed I pray for the strength to actually go through with killing myself. And, at this point it's not even if I kill myself. It's when. There is no doubt in my mind about it. I know it's going to happen. Whether it's tomorrow, in a week or in a year. It will happen. I know I'm no good. I bring no joy to anyone. I bring no good to the world. I'm a waste of oxygen. ...

"I had a dream about Max last night. It was nice being around him again. It also really hurt. It made me realise how really and truly lonely I am. I seek company everywhere but withdraw into myself because of how I look. it's awful to experience. and I know it makes me vain and pathetic, but that's just how it is.I don't like this medication. It is starting to make me feel weird." E.H.

"Things are all time crappy. I'm miserable, suicidal and frustrated. I really wish I could be a normal teenager without this stupid mental illness. I would never "transfer" this to anyone else but I want to have a boyfriend and go out. Have fun and be a normal teenager. I don't want to do anything except sleep. No TV or reading or colouring in. I just want to sleep. I don't know anymore. What do you do when you have no hope or motivation. And it's really not that I don't love my family and my friends because I do. I just don't know if I have to do this anymore." E.H.

"I'm not doing so well. I didn't write physics. I'm scared something happens. I wrote a suicide note the other evening. I'm miserable and scared and just explodey. I don't know what's going on and it's scary." I've written suicide notes a few times. I think three in total. Each time I do it so that when I'm gone it might soothe my family.  E.H.

"So this guy at school who I like, said he liked me. And then proceeded to pretty much ignore my existence. Which only proves that him and his friend were trying to mess with me. Which is cruel. I'm drowning in work. I'm miserable. Things at home suck because everyone is fighting. I look like a troll. I used to actually be reasonably pretty  and now I'm gross. It's just unfair. Why am I getting hit with everything at once? I just want one thing in my life to be good and safe and beautiful. I don't want this sadness. I don't want to spend my time crying. I don't want to spend even some of my time crying. But I'll end of on a positive note. That note being that I'm trying really hard. You know, at life. I'm also trying really hard to be happy. Neither one is going really well but I'm trying. So that has to count for something, Right? Also, I can tell that something is up because I can't settle on a book to read and I'm not doing m...

“I’m so miserable. I don’t know what to do and it feels like I’m losing my mind. I feel alone and I’m scared about what is going to happen. I can’t handle this life. I’m not cut out for this. I’m a reject. Not good stock. A mess in genetics. Not good enough for anybody or even myself. Everyone always puts so much effort into me and I just disappoint them over and over and over again. I hate who I am. I’m so tired and I don’t feel able to do anything. I just want sleep. It’s the only time my mind is at peace. Any other time is a struggle. My soul is sick. I can’t handle people. I’m terrible at it. I push everyone away.” E.H.

“Today is one of those days where you just don’t feel like enough. Not for anyone. I’m like a troll. An ugly troll. And when I’m not an ugly toll, I’m an invisible troll. I try and I try and I try and I feel like sometimes it works but sometimes I’m just left feeling foolish. I really like this guy at school and it’s becoming a problem. I’m afraid and sick. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m playing puppet for whoever the hell knows. But I’m just going through the motions. I want more. I want to go out. I want to care. I want a boyfriend. I want to be able to concentrate. I want to feel like an active member of the group at school and not like a bloody loser. I wish I could be a better me. A me deserving of the people around me. A me worthy of friends and not this crappy person I’ve become. Richard right. I’m sad about Max and damnit I’m disappointed I was suckered. I’m disappointed I expected something. That I expected more. He really crushed me into tiny pieces. He broke whatever conf...

“Can I do this? Can I do any of this? My heart, soul and head sure seem unable to do this. I’m so scared all the time and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I just want attention and love. I want love so badly. I want physical contact and to be held and cared for. I want too much. And it pushes people away. Not only that but it seems that what I want is always unattainable. I miss Max but the wound is healing. Now I just feel like a fool. I always feel like a fool. I don’t know what I’m doing and it shows. I’m lost and I’m drowning like a sinking ship. I left the clinic under the delusion I was in control and now, after the explosion, I am left with the bits of shrapnel of my dream. I am lost. A part of me believes I need someone to feel better, and yeah, it would work- temporarily. What I need is to fix myself. A J.K. Rowling said, “Rock bottom became the foundation I built my life on.” At school I’m distracted. Very much actually. And, obviously, it’s by a guy. He’s a puzzle. I b...

“I’m drowning. Drowning. I’m not coping and I have no idea what is going on. I’m stressed and over-tired and hurting and sad. I feel alone and looking for attention. Craving it. Wanting any contact, connection or interaction with others. I’m so highly strung and stressed out by life. And just sad. Max has broken me into a 1000 pieces and is leaving me to fix myself. There should be a rule in life that is you break it, you have to fix it. He broke me, he must fix me. If you’re in a relationship it’s both parties’ responsibility to dismantle the relationship. Normally writing makes me feel better but today it just isn’t helping. I feel overwhelmed and tired and lost. With nowhere to turn. Right now, more than anything I want to be held and cuddled and cared for. Even if it is just for 24 goddamned hours. Hell, I’d settle for 12 hours. I just need that physical, caring contact. I was hoping writing would make me feel better but it’s not. So it looks like it’s time for bed. Night.” E.H....

“I don’t know what to do. I’m incredibly miserable. I’m sad about Max. So sad that it leaves me feeling empty and alone. I am broken. And it’s pathetic and stupid that I’m heart broken. But I am. I miss him with every cell of my being almost every moment of the day. I want to see him again and I know it’s not going to happen. As much as I hope differently, I’ll never hear from him again. It’s really difficult feeling so much. It makes me irritable and snappish. I just want my calm zen back. When you feel safe in the fact that you can handle what you’re thrown, life is easier. At the moment I’m not sure what else I can handle. School is very stressful and there is so much work. I also can’t get a handle on the people and I just want them to be my friends. I’m sad and I’m lonely. And, it feels like with every action I’m crying out for help but nobody sees. I’m drowning in my life, surrounded by people, and nobody is pulling me out. Maybe it’s the universe’s way of teaching me to swim. B...

“I’m grumpy. And not the normal grumpy. The butt-kicking, teeth-grinding, nail-biting grumpy where you bite off everyone’s heads. I’m lonely and miserable and haven’t seen Max in 6 weeks. I haven’t spoken to him in 3 weeks. It’s driving me completely insane. I want what we had, what I thought we did, back. I’m just really sad and seem to be crying. I put up the lyrics one of my friends at the clinic wrote next to my bed. I feel lonely and I need attention and I’m not getting it. It sucks and I’ve spoken to mom. But I just feel lost and helpless. I’ve been thinking about suicide again. There is this seriously cute guy at school who is so freakishly attractive that I wanna curl up and purr. He also has sad eyes and you just wanna soothe all his problems. Then there is this other guy, one I consider a friend, who has issues at home that break my heart. But damn, does he not have a great personality. He is witty and intelligent and holds a really great conversation. He is also immensely f...