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52nd Entry - 28 April 2016, 6pm

“I don’t know what to do. I’m incredibly miserable. I’m sad about Max. So sad that it leaves me feeling empty and alone. I am broken. And it’s pathetic and stupid that I’m heart broken. But I am. I miss him with every cell of my being almost every moment of the day. I want to see him again and I know it’s not going to happen. As much as I hope differently, I’ll never hear from him again. It’s really difficult feeling so much. It makes me irritable and snappish. I just want my calm zen back. When you feel safe in the fact that you can handle what you’re thrown, life is easier. At the moment I’m not sure what else I can handle. School is very stressful and there is so much work. I also can’t get a handle on the people and I just want them to be my friends. I’m sad and I’m lonely. And, it feels like with every action I’m crying out for help but nobody sees. I’m drowning in my life, surrounded by people, and nobody is pulling me out. Maybe it’s the universe’s way of teaching me to swim. But right now I’m not swimming. Maybe what I need is some time to learn and grow. I saw Richard today and it was the first truly awful session. He was acting strangely and I felt out of place. He said I’m doing well, all things considered. He said the ups and the downs are normal and I must just be okay with myself and the fact that this is bipolar.”

 E.H.

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