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54th Entry - 9 May 2016, 9pm

“Can I do this? Can I do any of this? My heart, soul and head sure seem unable to do this. I’m so scared all the time and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I just want attention and love. I want love so badly. I want physical contact and to be held and cared for. I want too much. And it pushes people away. Not only that but it seems that what I want is always unattainable. I miss Max but the wound is healing. Now I just feel like a fool. I always feel like a fool. I don’t know what I’m doing and it shows. I’m lost and I’m drowning like a sinking ship. I left the clinic under the delusion I was in control and now, after the explosion, I am left with the bits of shrapnel of my dream. I am lost. A part of me believes I need someone to feel better, and yeah, it would work- temporarily. What I need is to fix myself. A J.K. Rowling said, “Rock bottom became the foundation I built my life on.” At school I’m distracted. Very much actually. And, obviously, it’s by a guy. He’s a puzzle. I better go to sleep. Also, I don’t know what else to say except for the fact that John and I are barely speaking and when we do speak, all we do is fight. In fact, I fight with everyone. I don’t know anymore. I’m even fighting with Nick. This is depressing me. I’m going to get to bed.”

 E.H.

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