Skip to main content

55th Entry - 17 May 2016, 7pm

“Today is one of those days where you just don’t feel like enough. Not for anyone. I’m like a troll. An ugly troll. And when I’m not an ugly toll, I’m an invisible troll. I try and I try and I try and I feel like sometimes it works but sometimes I’m just left feeling foolish. I really like this guy at school and it’s becoming a problem. I’m afraid and sick. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m playing puppet for whoever the hell knows. But I’m just going through the motions. I want more. I want to go out. I want to care. I want a boyfriend. I want to be able to concentrate. I want to feel like an active member of the group at school and not like a bloody loser. I wish I could be a better me. A me deserving of the people around me. A me worthy of friends and not this crappy person I’ve become. Richard right. I’m sad about Max and damnit I’m disappointed I was suckered. I’m disappointed I expected something. That I expected more. He really crushed me into tiny pieces. He broke whatever confidence I had gained. Now I’m left alone and shattered. I want more. I want someone who is there for me. And you know I mean like a boyfriend. I know that I have family, John and Nick. And to various degrees the people from school. But life is still tough.” 

 E.H.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

80th Entry - 29 April 2017, 9pm

"So. Wow. You've missed a lot. John and I are dating as of the 18th. It's wonderful and gentle and sweet and all kinds of lovely. He's more fantastic than before. I mean, he was always great but things are kinda perfect now. Which scares me. I feel like it's easier to get hurt now. And not just me. He can be hurt by me too. It's equally great and terrifying. It's just really difficult when he leaves. It makes me sad and mopey and generally unpleasant-feeling. I think the trouble is that it all seems so normal that things seem like we've been dating forever and it has been a week. Which is scary. I feel like I'm less mature and ready than everybody thinks. I am doubting myself a lot and it's difficult. How do you deal with your own views of yourself? I don't see myself as a particularly bad person but I just don't see whatever it is that John, Nick and Richard see. I think I need to speak to the girls about making fun of me. It really br...
Post a Comment
Read more

20th Entry - 27 April 2014

“So medication muddle again. I took Dopaquel last night and another 50g this morning at 11:00. It sucks. I was as high as a kite. It’s so confusing. You just feel like you’re floating. Mom wants me to go back on Serdep. Dad does too. But I don’t want to. It never goes well. I don’t feel in control. I have no say over what my body does. Rose said to me a few nights ago that she used to know me inside and out and now she has no idea who I am. That she doesn’t even recognise me. I’m not really surprised because you could see it. But the really scary thing is that I didn’t even care. I don’t feel anything. Nothing. People can make me mad, can hurt me but I feel nothing. I feel hollow. My taste, my love for people and for music. It’s just gone. I’s like I’m an empty shell. Nothing in here. I don’t understand what’s happened to me. I’m not this person. I know I’m not. I am a loving person. I’m passionate. And now it’s all just gone. What do I do? I’m hurting everyone I love. I can see mysel...
Post a Comment
Read more

78th Entry - 29 March 2017, 7pm

"Mom is at her work conference. So it's just Dad, Rose, Bella and I, And Steve. It's weird not having Mom at home. I'm feeling vulnerable and slightly irritable. Which is not cool. I spent this afternoon watching a bit of TV with Bella and then I spent the evening with Dad. I don't want him to be lonely without Mom. I don't know what is up with me at the moment. I feel lethargic and like I have no motivation. It's weird. And uncomfortable. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel useless and bored and frustrated. I want to do something else but I don't really know what to do. I get energy sometimes but it never lasts. Sometimes I feel like I can do work this year. But then I don't feel like I can do anything. I feel like these entries are really repetitive. My life feels repetitive too. Like everyday is the same thing with the same problems. It's difficult with Nick right now because I feel like we are in two different paces in our relations...
Post a Comment
Read more