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61st Entry - 2 October 2016, 6pm

"Wow. I don't remember ever being in a place like this. I have literally no idea what is going on. I'm so lost. I have so many good things in my life but nothing makes me feel any better. It's all temporary. i can see all the good things in my life I just cant feel it. I'm not even a person anymore. I'm just an empty person-shaped thing. I'm so alone. I used to have mom. She used to just get me. but now, now I'm just alone. I have never felt this alone before. Nothing makes me feel better. Not TV, not books, not even music. I don't want my life anymore. Every night in bed I pray for the strength to actually go through with killing myself. And, at this point it's not even if I kill myself. It's when. There is no doubt in my mind about it. I know it's going to happen. Whether it's tomorrow, in a week or in a year. It will happen. I know I'm no good. I bring no joy to anyone. I bring no good to the world. I'm a waste of oxygen. A waste of space. I don't belong anymore. I used to. But now I'm just a shell that looks like Elizabeth. The person I used to be has been stripped away by medicine, my illness and just general sadness. I don't know how to pretend to be okay anymore. I'm so lost and this time. I don't know how to find my way back. At this point I don't even know if I want to. I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of the unknown. But I also know that I definitely don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I know if I carry on with my life I will at some point lose myself even more than I already have. I don't know myself anymore. I know that I'm going to get so tired of fighting myself that I'll do something stupid. I'll lose the little bit of myself I have left to drugs or alcohol or whatever. I'll ruin myself even more and that will just kill everyone I love even more than just ending my miserable self now. I spend my time fighting with myself over whether I should kill myself or not. I know it's selfish but I can't anymore. Then I think how doing what I want will hurt the people I love. But is it fair to me if I do what they want? What is the right thing to do? Do I do what they want and make myself miserable or do I do what I want and hurt them? I'm so scared. And I'm so tired. I have no idea where to turn. Or who to turn to? I mean I know that I'm supposedly not alone. But does that even matter if I feel alone? I feel so stupid. In the last 2 weeks I have completely lost whatever part of myself that tells me I'm a good person and that believes in who I am. I hate myself now. No, actually it's not even that. I don't hate myself. I just don't care anymore. About anything. I'm hanging on by such a thin thread. I know that if I sneeze i'll just lose it. I don't know what to do. I'm so goddamn pathetic. I am so sick of feeling disgusted with myself. I had so much potential. I could have done anything. But instead I just wasted it all. I let myself down. I let everyone I love down. I used to know what was right and what was wrong. But now I'm just lost and scared. Pathetic."

E.H.

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