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70th Entry - 5 February 2017, 8pm

"I don't even know why I bother trying. Everyday I get up and do my best and it is never good enough. Nothing ever is. I'm not a good enough friend or sister or  daughter or granddaughter or student or patient or human. I fail at pretty much everything I try. I don't want to keep trying. I want out. Is there no escape clause or cancellation document? No get out of jail free card? Having me gone would hurt so few. Most people wouldn't even notice if I died. I can think of maximum 6 people who would be genuinely sad that I was gone. the rest would be sad for my family. No one knows my mind. This frightful tangle of self-hatred and hopeful ideals that will never end the war that was so long ago waged. I'm a good example of a  flaw in evolution. the higher being that made me was having a bad day. My life is a mess that will never be fixed. Years of a rusted soul that will never shine. All that's left is a broken girl and a dozen failed attempts when trying to live a life she wasn't made for. No amount of love, patience, dedication, therapy or pills can fix the broken shards of this broken girl that is who I now am. Who I've always been. My life is just a ridiculous cycle of hope, pain and black pits of despair. And, no matter which way the pendulum swings, at the end of the day it's still just going to be left with broken loved ones and a more broken heart." 

E.H.

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