"So it's Rose's birthday. I'm home alone. And I'm sad and tired. I miss the energy I had a week or two ago when I had motivation and was driven to do stuff. But now I'm just tired all the time. Richard says I more people in my life. But I'm not sure I want more friends of convenience. I want meaningful connections. I have good friends already. Bella is seeing a psychologist. She is also depressed. I wish that all the people I love could be doing better. I wish I could help. I was talking to Nick about my future and how I just don't see one for myself. How marriage and children just don't seem in the future for me. How could I get married? How could I bind anyone in a contract to love me. It would be unfair. I feel like I will always be more fragile than everybody else. Marriage to me would mean that there would be three people in our marriage. My husband, my bipolar and me. Now children would be even more out of reach. How could I bring a beautiful, innocent child into this world with the chance they could be ill too? How could I risk putting another child through this process. Now for argument's sake let's say my child comes out without bipolar. He or she would always have to take into account my bipolar. I might change my child's life with instability. I might even be completely stable but the bipolar will always be there. It might take up too much time in my life and prevent me from being a good parent. I know all of this is way in the future but this needs to be written down so when the time comes this will be there. Recorded. I am lonely and I wish I had someone in my life like that. You know, romantically. I am satisfied, most of the time, with my life. I have good friends. Nick is awesome and romance might throw things that are alright to off balance. Is the benefit worth the risk? But is not living my life because I'm afraid of what might or might not happen anyway to live? I don't think so, I need to do what I can, when I can, and embrace and be satisfied with my life as it is. What is meant to happen will happen when it's supposed to happen. Rushing my life to get to the next phase is a waste of the gift or curse that is life. I need to trust that I'm on this path for a reason. I genuinely believe everything happens for a reason. There is a bigger scheme of things that I can't see and wouldn't understand. Some higher that is bigger than daily struggles in life. In this episode of this show I watch this one cop asks this older cop if he could go back to the beginning of his career would he change anything. The older cop says he wouldn't change anything because then he would have just made different mistakes than the first time. The mistakes in our lives shape us into who we need to be and who we are supposed to become. In life I am full of all these beliefs that, when expressed, never match with how everyone else sees life. This makes me feel like I am not meant for this world. Or, maybe, that I am. To maybe help and show people the world the way I see it. I figure that as long as you talk and ask for help and believe in something bigger than yourself you will be okay. To just keep on keeping on. then I doubt myself again and why would anyone pick me to help them. That I am just a teenager with a difficult but occasionally okay life. Sometimes I think that the best thing in my life are the people that I love. I am not a great person. If I really try I can be okay when I'm stable. Which is something I have little to no control over. All I can do is take my pills and do the little things I've been taught to do. Regular sleep, exercise and sunlight. I am conflicted when it comes to how I see myself. Sometimes I believe I am capable of greater goodness that I don't even know and other times I think that I am worthless. In my private parts of my brain I secretly hope it's the former belief. That I am meant for something bigger. I doubt I will ever have a concrete answer. There are so many things I doubt about myself that I don't like and want to change. But those are the very things that make me who I am. I am, like everyone else, capable of anything. Just like every new baby that has ever and will ever be born. I am capable of anything. Every person who has ever done anything great or remarkable all started out the same. With a single first breath and a chance to be anything. To rise above dismal situations to help those who need it. Even the people who have done the worst deeds you can think of, those corrupt and cruel leaders, all started out with infinite potential. Their lives took them on the path that was a possible option for them. Every moment in life you are given a choice and those choices shape you. Hitler could have been a priest. But instead he hurt the world in a way it hadn't been before. And, I have to believe it was to teach the world we are all the same underneath race, religion and gender. we are all beautiful with infinite potential. Yes, I am still writing because I am lonely and it's soothing."
E.H.
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