"So. Wow. You've missed a lot. John and I are dating as of the 18th. It's wonderful and gentle and sweet and all kinds of lovely. He's more fantastic than before. I mean, he was always great but things are kinda perfect now. Which scares me. I feel like it's easier to get hurt now. And not just me. He can be hurt by me too. It's equally great and terrifying. It's just really difficult when he leaves. It makes me sad and mopey and generally unpleasant-feeling. I think the trouble is that it all seems so normal that things seem like we've been dating forever and it has been a week. Which is scary. I feel like I'm less mature and ready than everybody thinks. I am doubting myself a lot and it's difficult. How do you deal with your own views of yourself? I don't see myself as a particularly bad person but I just don't see whatever it is that John, Nick and Richard see. I think I need to speak to the girls about making fun of me. It really breaks me down when they do that. Also, I got a beard rash from John's beard and I have not heard the end of it. John mentioned something earlier about me it being difficult to leave and I think it's because then my doubts start to plague me. Things at home have been kinda crappy lately. Dad is being a real jerk and apart from random, and infrequent, bursts of love from him I don't feel much love at all. I don't feel welcome at home anymore. Like it's not my safe place. And it used to be. And I wish things with John were easier here at home. He says that dad is respectful of him but that he doesn't feel liked. Which is accurate. Dad said the other day that Bella's boyfriend will probs be a black guy because it gets worse with every daughter. Rose was with Steve and now me with John. Which made me really really angry. He hasn't even given John the time of day. Oh. And, the other night he was sick of me and my 'playing my card'.. Which I'm assuming meant my bipolar card. Which is crap. They use it as more of an excuse than me. I just don't know sometimes. It feels like every time I conquer a hurdle, a new one just pops up. Things are kinda sucky with John at the moment. Richard says it's because he plays the victim or rescuer role all the time and that it's not a healthy adult relationship. And I feel like I'm noticing more of the flaws in my relationships. I am just tired and sad tonight. Missing someone you love sucks.What else sucks is that I feel like John loves me so purely and confidently and like I'm just going to let him down. Which I hope never happens but seems to be a part of my pattern. I'm just scared and doubtful. I wanna go talk to John but he is asleep. I should go to sleep."
Now, just to explain the race thing with my Dad. He grew up in Apartheid South Africa. He was taught to hate black people. He grew up like that. He doesn't hate all people but is sadly a racist. I do not tolerate his behaviour like that. I grew up in a house were him and other family members are harsh and cruel towards people of other races. I love them but don't like that. I overcame the nonsense that I experienced when I was young. I think this generation was lucky that way. Especially in South Africa. Now, my Dad and family are wonderful people and like I've said before, they are just people. And people have good traits and bad ones. It doesn't excuse it, but it helps me understand. I hope they wouldn't be hurt by this. I can't omit this because it's true and it happened. I know my journal entries don't copy down everything that happens but please don't judge.
E.H.
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