meet me and my mind

"Wow. So a lot has happened. John and I spent the whole holiday together. We went for sushi every Wednesday. Richard and Sarah went to Wilderness and brought back the most delicious hot chocolate. I really enjoyed staying at John's house. It's so different from home. We went to an electronic and gaming expo at the Waterfront. John got his car this week. Her name is Sam and she is a Chevvy Spark. John met Lilah and took us to a party. Lilah and Bella got drunk, which was cute in the beginning but less so as the evening progressed. I got to dance with John though. We got back and John got to sleep on m floor. The first time we've been allowed to sleep in the same room. Now we do that at both houses. We both got our marks back. I did okay and John isn't happy with his marks. On Wednesday, John got surprised with Sam and Richard asked me to be there as well. We are going to the Matric Dance together. I am horrified by how much I weigh. I am still on a down bout with l...

"So it's Friday and I'm at John's. I slept in this morning and had a chill day. We went for a walk with John a and the dogs and it was really beautiful. We got back and had s shower. I painted some of my Mandala. I was doing one for John but it didn't suit him so I'll do another. I looked in the mirror this morning and had the most dreadful shock. I'm really not happy with my body at the moment. My weight is far too much but because of the medication there is very little I can do. I miss my family. Even though I'm at John's by choice, I still miss my people. They are annoying and we fight a lot but I miss them. I'm excited and freaked out about my blog. My early entries are so awful and don't cover real issues. But, as John said, it's important to see the change.. I would have liked a better response to be honest. But it's still early days. Not much new on the John front. I still love him like crazy and I know I've flung those w...

"So wow. A lot has happened. I've started a blog with all my old journal entries. It's difficult to write and process how bad things were. But I feel like it's important to keep going. Almost like there is something else driving me to do this. Rose is acting a little weird lately. I'm worried. It's startling to watch. I wonder if it was like this with me. I'm also really worried because when Rose gets in a bad space she gets really harsh and I'm worried Steve is going to get hurt and leave. I know he loves Rose but how much can one person take. The girls couldn't handle me when I was sick and we are family so how is Steve supposed to react. Things with John are wonderful. He is the kindest, sweetest, most loving person. When I was there the other night, he kissed up and down my back and with every kiss he softly said that he loved me. It was so wonderful. I've never felt as loved or adored as I did in that moment. Reading back on old entries I ...

“So I’m spending a few nights here with John and I just feel a little lost right now. I feel strange and out of place. I feel like I need Mom but I’m not homesick. I saw Richard today and it was weird. It felt like it was a little forced on my part. John had a fight with his Mom and he cried and I was there to help him feel better. Somehow that made me love him more. It also made me realise what I already knew and what Mom’s been telling me- that John is more sensitive and mushy than I take into account. He is just a baby and is nowhere near as tough as he makes out to be. And that is scary because it makes him breakable. And I don’t want to break him. And, on top of that, the little petty Elizabeth that exists in me, makes me feel uncomfortable with him being a great writer. It makes me feel tiny and jealous and I know that is small of me. But, at the same time, I’m also incredibly proud of how wonderful he is at writing. And is great at it. But I just wish I were good at something. ...

“So this weekend has been pretty good. I spent the weekend at John’s. Friday and Saturday. It was great. Friday we went for sushi with Richard, Josie and Sarah. It was quite lovely. Afterwards, John and I went for a McFlurry. Then on Saturday we went for breakfast with them again. Richard called Josie, John and I his children and it was so frickking cute. He then asked Mom if I could stay another night because John was sick and I didn’t want him going out. After breakfast at Woolworths in Somerset Mall we went and bought a ready-meal pasta for lunch and then went back home. That evening Aunty Lily made us roast chicken and veggies. Then we all watched “Ferris Beuller’s Day Off.” Which was lovely because John lay between my legs was nice and close to me. This moring John and I went to the Root 44 Market. Which was fun. John bought me a beautiful necklace and we got two books. We each had a smoothie and then John had sushi and I had noodles. We had to head back early because there was d...

"So today was average. I'm writing English Paper 1 tomorrow and I never studied. At all. I wish John were here. I wish life were different. I'm becoming quickly frustrated with life of mine. Same thing every day. Nothing new, nothing good. John read  me a piece of his writing and people loved it and want to publish it. How exciting! I'm so proud of him. but also scared he'll leave. It's silly. I'm tired of this. Everyday is the same. Argue and argue and argue. Over and over and over again. Why? What's the point. I ache for a life where I am needed and wanted and encouraged and supported. But I'm just not here. I'm nothing here. Nothing at all. I miss John. He is always too far away. I wonder where things will go with us. I wondering we'll be together in a year or two? Or even a month or two? I hope so. He is the only thing keeping me going. He is like this bubble of goodness and kindness and happiness. He makes me feel loved and safe and wa...

"Another fun evening in the Hunter household. It's nights like this that I'd wish myself away. Does anyone give a damn that I struggle? Hell no. No one listens or cares or understands. I am so done with this crap. So done. I want to pack my bags and not stop walking till I reach Egypt or maybe Alaska. Or until I die. I have one, single good thing in my life that I get to see once a week. And then I'm told by my family (read: Dad) that I'm too loud on the phone. So that must also stop. I can't do this. I cannot do this. I just don't want it to be this difficult. I'm finished. Or not actually. I have so long left here. Trapped in this goddamn awful house where I get no love or nourishment. I get a roof and food and fuck all else. Except yelling and distaste. I love these people. Or I used to. I don't know anymore. I don't know what to call this feeling. I don't really think it's love. And this just makes me sad. Because even though I love...

"So today sucked. Just not a great day. I did two tests today at school.. Work the whole day. Then I came home and did more work. Luckily I got to phone John. But I'm in a crappy mood and I think it affects him. I wrote him a letter this afternoon. He wrote me one this weekend instead of bringing me flowers. It was lovely. He also wrote me a poem. That was really beautiful. On the sucky side I don't fit into any of my clothes. And I've lost a little weight since I put it all on again. But Prof did say the medication slows down my metabolism. So I have been trying to cut down. Which has been difficult. I keep thinking about John. I really love him. He makes me very happy. When he is around everything is better and beautiful. Like I can finally breathe again. it's so lovely just being able to reach out and hold his hand or reach out and run my hands across his face. He gives me kisses and he loves me. He writes me beautiful poems. He brings me flowers. He is perfect...

"So I hate my life. I cannot even stand living here anymore. It's a waste of time and energy trying with any of these people. I try and I do my best everyday. Do I get a thanks or a check to see how I'm doing? Heaven forbid any of these morons focus on something other than Bella and I will die. Dad is helping her with her homework and I asked if anyone had seen my bra and now, according to Dad, I am making things bout myself! The fuck? And then I was talking to Mom and Dad just starts speaking to her about the homework. Not that Bella is the problem. It's Mom and Dad. They have no idea what they are doing and I am suffering. This whole thing is stupid. I hate it here. This used to be a safe place. Not a fucking chance now. this place isn't safe for someone who is deaf or blind person. But on another topic. I love John. I enjoy spending time with him and talking to him but we never see each other. And getting him here or me there is always a mission. And I have cra...