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82nd Entry - 15 May 2017, 6pm

"So today sucked. Just not a great day. I did two tests today at school.. Work the whole day. Then I came home and did more work. Luckily I got to phone John. But I'm in a crappy mood and I think it affects him. I wrote him a letter this afternoon. He wrote me one this weekend instead of bringing me flowers. It was lovely. He also wrote me a poem. That was really beautiful. On the sucky side I don't fit into any of my clothes. And I've lost a little weight since I put it all on again. But Prof did say the medication slows down my metabolism. So I have been trying to cut down. Which has been difficult. I keep thinking about John. I really love him. He makes me very happy. When he is around everything is better and beautiful. Like I can finally breathe again. it's so lovely just being able to reach out and hold his hand or reach out and run my hands across his face. He gives me kisses and he loves me. He writes me beautiful poems. He brings me flowers. He is perfect while still having flaws. And I see his flaws but I think they just make him him so it's not a problem. Sometimes when he kisses me I just melt. He makes me feel special and beautiful. The only problem is that he is so far away. It's difficult only seeing him on the weekend. When we are together things are wonderful. But when he leaves I'm doubtful and lonely. It is so difficult getting through a whole week without seeing him. But this is just how things are now. One day we will be able to wake up next to one anther. That will be lovely. A whole new set of challenges that we can face together. I sound so pathetic. But it can't be helped. I see a future with John like I've never seen with anyone else. This feels good and comfortable. Things at home are a little funky. In general I'm rather fucking miserable. Which is taking the magic right out of my life. I want things to change at home but I have no control over it. Like Richard says, I only have control over myself and my behaviour. I can't change Mom and Dad. The most recent struggle being my realising Mom isn't who I thought she was. In the past she always had my back. I felt supported and that she was SuperMom. But she is really just a woman doing the best she can and I'm just not a priority at the moment. And I'm not sure I'm okay with being scenery. I'm definitely not okay with that. Dad and I actually had a mature and respectful conversation last night. We spoke about John and sex and how I'm going to see a gynecologist. He didn't totally freak out. I'm rather proud of him actually. I sometimes wonder whether I'm or not I'm the problem. I think I might be. Richard explains his take on things but I don't know if he is right. It feels like I'm the problem. My anger is a problem. So is my cruelty when I'm angry. That's not okay. I wonder what my purpose is. What my role is supposed to be. What am I going to do? What am I going to change? Will I be a parent? A spouse? A helper? A psychologist? Could I be for someone what Richard is for me? I hope so. I want to. I just doubt my ability. I doubt my skills and I don't know if I could be enough to help people. I also wonder what I'll think when I read this in 2 years or 5 years?"

E.H. 

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