“So I’m spending a few nights here with John and I just feel
a little lost right now. I feel strange and out of place. I feel like I need
Mom but I’m not homesick. I saw Richard today and it was weird. It felt like it
was a little forced on my part. John had a fight with his Mom and he cried and
I was there to help him feel better. Somehow that made me love him more. It
also made me realise what I already knew and what Mom’s been telling me- that
John is more sensitive and mushy than I take into account. He is just a baby
and is nowhere near as tough as he makes out to be. And that is scary because
it makes him breakable. And I don’t want to break him. And, on top of that, the
little petty Elizabeth that exists in me, makes me feel uncomfortable with him
being a great writer. It makes me feel tiny and jealous and I know that is
small of me. But, at the same time, I’m also incredibly proud of how wonderful
he is at writing. And is great at it. But I just wish I were good at something.
And, John said that I’m good at keeping him calm and making friends with people
but it’s not the same as being solidly good at something. As knowing you are
good and capable. I don’t have the support of Mom and Dad that I realise I
need. I need a little boost from my support system to make me feel like I’m
worth something and that I need that from home. I get care and understanding
from John and his family but I need it from mine. I need it really badly. And,
no matter how I communicate it to them, I will not get it. Sure, they might try
for a few days, if that, and after that it won’t really change. You can’t
change people. I doubt I will get what I need from them. And Nick. What the
hell is going on there. He is being strange and I feel myself withdrawing.
Which is bad. I just feel strange and I’m in a weird headspace. I feel a bit
better now but I still feel vulnerable. Again. It’s been like that a lot
lately. I miss how simple things used to feel. Things were never really simple
but I feel more conflicted and stormy than normal. And I don’t know what I’m
feeling. I’m scared. Scared that I will end up as nothing. I feel trapped at
home and timid in this new environment at John’s and I just want to feel like
something. And, John’s reassurance, while sweet, isn’t what I’m looking for. I
need it from myself. But I don’t know how to do that. I feel like I have the
potential for something but like it will never happen. Like I’m constantly two
steps away from where I need to be in life. With John, everything feels
wonderful. But who am I? This feels stupid. I told Nick last October that I
couldn’t be with him because I didn’t know who I was and now I’m with John and
I still don’t know. Which makes me a liar. But does anyone ever really know who
they are? I wonder if I’m special. Mom and Dad make out like I am sometimes.
But I doubt it. I doubt that I have anything unique view on anything. I have no
original ideas. No real originality at all. That’s scary. Knowing that you’re
the same as everyone around you. And maybe I’ve used my bipolar as too much of
an excuse to stop living and excuse bad behaviour. I really think it’s a big
deal that I don’t feel secure or nourished at home.. It feels like my grounding
and knowledge of who I am is just gone. And, like its never really been there.
That I just thought it was. It feels like everything I’ve ever known is
changing. And that seems dramatic. I guess I just have a lot of questions.
Maybe I should put my diary entries out there. I wonder if they would help
anyone. Would it help me? Anyway, I’m fresh out of ideas.”
E.H.
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