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100th Entry - 23 November 2017, 5pm

"I spoke to John last night. He said he wanted to get back together after we talk. So he came over and we went to the park. Mom and Dad won't allow him in the house. And then he said he still needed to think. That he felt differently than last night. He's never going to change his mind. I love him. Why does this have to be so complicated? Why can't I just have my boyfriend back. I'm alone in this strange place and I want John. It's so unfair. I was happy and now I'm alone. It's not fair. Why don't I get to be happy? Why?? I did nothing wrong and I do my best. All I get is crap. I don't know what to do. I don't want this. I don't. I want to go home. I want John. I don't want to be in this strange place. Why do I have to be locked away like an animal? I don't want this life. It's too much. Why is there always a struggle?"

I was in a really bad space when I wrote this. I don't think I was faultless in the relationship but I know he wasn't either. The strange place I'm referring to is another psychiatric facility. It's different to the one I've been to before. So it was a new place. Looking back at this entry now I see how I was seeing things incorrectly. I was blaming everyone for my problems and it's not like that. I am responsible for myself and my actions. I wish I had a bit of perspective at the time.

E.H.

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