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101st Entry - 25 November 2017, 2pm

"I am the most pathetic creature on the planet. Who gets hopsitlised because they are dumped? And it wasn't John's fault. As I told Mom, my reaction is my responsibility. I feel numb. Broken. Filled with such hurt and pain and sorrow. I hurt John. It's true. I was careless. But, I was also sick. I am very sick. How can I be blamed for that. If he were sick I wouldn't have left. And he hurt me too. Everyone is telling me to move on. But I can't imagine a world where John isn't my boyfriend. I don't want it. And it's my right to make that decision. But because I'm sick apparently not. I'm so lonely. I don't like this clinic and I want my Mom. I want John. He hasn't visited me. So I spend all day alone. Last night was bad. I crazy called John and I don't even remember what I said. But it wasn't good. Richard won't come see me either. I want to die. Life is just one big-ass struggle that I don't want to be a part of. I hope and I pray that God lets me die. Then it will be over and I will be free from hurt and pain. After being in love with someone how can I go back to life alone. It's like going blind (and I hope that isn't offensive) I am just so tired. I have never fit in in life. Why will everybody not see that? I appreciate all the work and effort everyone has put in but I want this to be over. Just done. I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough as a partner or daughter or sister or grandchild. I'm truly sorry. But forcing me to stay when I am constantly going back to a default o suffering isn't fair. I don't deserve to be forced to live because of this apparent potential. I want to say goodbye to everyone and then I want to die. I made a mess of my life and I disappointed myself and everyone else. I have done nothing but push forward day after day for years. And now I'm sore and broken and being forced to push forward. How is that fair? I love my family and friends but am I not allowed to make this decision for my own happiness. Please. Whoever is up there, whoever is listening. Please let me go out before I suffer even more. I am not a bad person. I have tried. For years I have tried. But I am tired and shattered and I don't want my life. Again. Because at the end of the day I will always come back to this point. It's how it works. And I just want to be done. It seems harsh to everybody else. But they haven't gone through what I have. And  my struggle isn't huge or the worst but it's too much for me. I'm sorry. So sorry that it didn't work out how I wanted. How everyone wanted. I tried to be a good daughter and sister and girlfriend.And I wish I could be the person you all deserve. But I'm not. I tried. Isn't that enough."

E.H.

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