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106th Entry - 19 December 2017, 5pm

I am not happy. I wake up in the morning and I go about my day but I'm just not happy. I feel restless and annoyed. Vaguely unsettled. truth be told, I often find myself missing John. I had always planned on spending the holiday time with him and now it's just me. It's rather strange. I'm not heartbroken or completely destroyed about the break up as I was in the beginning but there is still a vague sting whenever I think about our time together or something we used to do. 
Bella and I have been getting on really well lately, hopefully it lasts. But I have genuinely enjoyed catching up with my little sister. She has grown up so much and I'm very proud of her. Rose is acting a little out of character and I don't think she is doing too well at the moment. I just have this bad feeling and keep noticing what seems like irrational behaviour. Dad went to see Prof yesterday. He doesn't have bipolar like everyone else thought. He just has impulse issues. So the genetic source of our bipolar still remains a mystery. 
Paige and I have begun talking again. She came over last week and I am seeing her tomorrow. It's nice to catch up with an old friend. It reminds me of simpler times when there were Barbies and babies and games. Things are so much more complicated now. 
There is a little drama at home surrounding Andrew. Some background is needed here. He went to school with Rose and they didn't really hang in the same circles. But, when they went to university, they were in the same lectures and they reconnected. They were friends all of last year. This year, now that Andrew's girlfriend is there, there has been some drama. Some hectic arguments and nonsense. However, because he was at our house so much, Bella developed a crush on him. Then Bella and Andrew became friends. This upset Rose because of "all the stuff he done to hurt her and mess with her." Rose forbid Bella from seeing Andrew or she would cut her from her life. I sit with Andrew and Bella whenever he is here because they want to sit in Bella's room and they aren't allowed in there alone. To be honest, I rather enjoy his company and find him rather nice. I am slightly hesitant because Rose is generally a very good judge of character. But it is Bella's decision at the end of the day. 
Mom, Bella and I went shopping for Christmas presents today and I am so excited about all my gifts. I am getting such cool stuff. It was also nice to get out of the house because I feel so cooped up. 
Another issue at the moment is my weight. It's been an issue for a while but it is really still bugging me. I can't look in the mirror or even at any reflective surfaces. I don't look at myself when I shower or when I'm getting dressed. Prof has put me on some medication to help me lose weight but it doesn't seem to be working yet. It's the medication that is making me put on the weight in the first place so now we are just treating the side effects. I am back on Lithium and I am so worried it makes me get acne again. Because that's what happened last time. And, I'm on a higher  dosage of Lithium than I was on last time. 
So much on my mind today. But I feel a bit better now that I've written. I might not be swinging from the rafters but I'm doing relatively okay at the moment. I am stable and I have my family. Things could be a lot worse.

E.H.

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