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107th Entry - 20 December 2017, 12pm

I had only experienced one break up before my break up with John. As you know, he and I only dated for 2 months but it took me hella long to get over him. I am doing much better this time. I feel like I'm one step closer to moving on every time I do something we did together or listen to what we used to. Like I'm banishing his spirit. It's really difficult. I just have this feeling that he has forgotten about me. And nothing proves otherwise. And in a way I'm okay with that. But, every song about old loves makes me sad. I find myself feeling lonely. And I'm missing John but I am also missing the comfort and familiarity. But most of all I am missing my friend. The person I could talk to about anything. The person who always had my back and kept me company when the world was crumbling. I honestly don't know if I would take him back. Some days I'm sure I won't. Other days, I'm less sure. But I think what would be best for me would to spend some time by myself and then to find someone who will be more okay with me being myself and more understanding of my illness. Who won't blame me for things I can't control. Not that John did do these things. This is just me guessing what the problems were. I have a million unanswered questions that I am not sure I actually want the answers to. Moving on from this break up and this phase of my life will be challenging. But I will get through it. I am independent and I can take care of myself without a boyfriend. The thing I miss most is my friend. The boyfriend I can live without. Maybe not easily. But I definitely can. I doubted that in the beginning but I am sure of it now. 
I saw Richard today. He said that understanding the dynamics at home is key to my finding comfort here. I need to listen and not defend the insulting things that are thrown at me by people. Understanding their actions will help provide an environment where we can communicate healthily without anger or childish outbursts. One of the issues I discussed with Richard was how disrespectful Dad is to us. He hurts us and insults us and doesn't act like a parent. He doesn't show unconditional love or acceptance. He used to be so loving and understanding but now he can only be nice to one of us at a time which always leaves someone without support. It's difficult to not have parental support. It would be nice to get support from Mom and Dad and not just Mom. And, that's only some of the time. I love them. But I need more than this in my life. And I feel like the girls deserve more too. Dad being on medication is a good thing but it will not fix all the problems. Dad needs therapy too. 
I wonder how Peter is doing. Bella heard from his friends at school that he left the clinic early. He is probably in Port Elizabeth. doing heaven knows what. I  don't take it personally that he forgot about me. It's chilled. I just hope he is doing well. 
I wonder what will happen next year with school. Where will I end up going? Anyway. That's enough for today. 

E.H.

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