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108th Entry - 24 December 2017, 5pm

Some days start out really nicely and then just go to straight up shit. I hate days like that. Today is one of them. We went out for breakfast and walked along the beach. It was nice. Then we get home and things return to their set point. Mom and I had a fight.  Bella was mean to me and Rose was just straight up cruel. Her latest word-weapon was that if she ever commits suicide it will be because of me and she wants there to be a police case into it. I know she is sick but that does not in any way make her behaviour okay. I left the house and went to the park and sat on the swings for an hour. Now I am also hella sunburnt. I am still not talking to any of them and none have them have tried to fix anything. I have not been having a good week. I feel unstable and off and really sad. Things are not okay now but they will be. I will email Prof and let him know because I am worried. It is Christmas Eve. I deserve better than this on a normal day but hella better than this on a holiday. And I know Richard says I must understand what is happening and the dynamics. But it is too much. Life at the moment is too much. I am feeling sad and vulnerable. And Mom tells me that I am always biting her ankles. Really? I do my damndest every day and I try so  much with all of them and all I get back is crap. I know that I am sad because of John at the moment. The thing that hits me the hardest is that I lost my best friend. I would give anything to have that back. And, despite reassuring me several times before, during and after the relationship- nothing has materialised. The worst part about this is that I need to talk about these issues to deal with them and that is just never going to happen. Anyway, Happy Holidays and I hope you guys have a great day tomorrow!

E.H.

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