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99th Entry - 22 November 2017

"Still really sad. I had a really bad night last night. I totally lost it. I'm shook. I gave Richard all of John's things back. I also got my stuff back. It still doesn't feel real. I feel like a zombie. Disconnected but on the verge of a breakdown. It feels like I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I need to. John is just a guy. Not really. He's not really just a guy. He was everything for me for so long. He still is. I don't understand why my happiness gets taken away from me. Why? I was so happy. We were happy. And now? What now? Now i'm alone. And I don't care about that. I just want him. Why do I always have to struggle? I gave him everything I had and it just wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. Everybody tells me to give it time and he'll change his mind. But isn't it too late? The loss has happened. I've lost him. No more drives or cuddles. No more seeing his face first thing in the morning. It's all gone. How can it be gone out of nowhere? I don't understand how this is possible. How can he just be over me? All those promises of love just mean nothing. Our future just gone. What about our plans? He never gave me a chance. I would have worked. I would have fixed things.We could have fixed things. But I never got the chance. We were both wrong. It wasn't only me. I love him. I would have grown and we could have worked. Now Richard says I must get stronger so he will want me back. I know he only said that because it's what I want. And it's him I want. I would have given it all I had. I did. Love doesn't just disappear. Does it? He can't just be gone. How can he? We were happy."

E.H.

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