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111th Entry - 2 January 2018, 1pm

I know, as you probably do, that I have no real wisdom or authority to share with you. I enjoyed yesterday's entry because those are the few rules that have made my life easier and made me who I am. And, it was fun to type in a new way. I heard something on the radio while I was driving in the car today. The host was saying what would you like to leave behind in 2017. And I thought about it and thought about it. I would like to leave behind my pain, my heartbreak and some of my struggles. Not all of them. Some of them are helpful and teach me things I need to learn. I was talking to Nick last night before bed. He was sleeping over. And I asked him what he would do before he died, if he were dying tomorrow. I can't even remember his answer (my pills were kicking in). But I remember saying that I would like to sort things out with John before I died and let him now that I was sorry and that I still love him. I probably will for a while. He was a giant part of my life and not a day goes by that I don't miss him. I miss him less and less everyday. Which is good. And I'm not blocking away the pain. I acknowledge it and feel it fully every time it pops up. I will never be okay if I ignore it and let it fester. Dealing with issues as they arise is the only way to avoid total insanity. I have done that with most things in my life. I am struggling at the moment because my meds aren't right and I can see behind my ears again. This has always been a sign of my being hypermanic. This comes with irritability and irrational behaviour. I got my matric marks back today and I did surprisingly well. But I hopefully won't have to use those marks because I will hopefully redo all of the subjects this year. Anyway. Stay safe.
 
E.H.

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