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114th Entry - 15 January 2018, 5pm

I don't know if yesterday I spoke to casually about what, I suppose, is an attempt suicide. I never made the decision to take those pills easily. I am not doing so well at the moment. And, sometimes, I just need a break from my mind. My mind is filled with so many things. School, family, friends, my future, the things that still hover from the past. Additionally, I think once you have flirted around the idea of death so many times, you become desensitised and it seems less scary. Added to that is probably a fair amount adrenalin in that moment. I am one of the people in life who struggle with boundaries. I place no boundaries and can't manage to stay in line with others. I am insanely open my life. I have no problem telling people things from my past because none of them embarrass me. This is the first thing I was iffy in letting people know. And this spread through the family the fastest. For example, today, my Grandpa came up to visit me now that I'm out of the clinic and when was saying goodbye he looked at me and I could see he was crying. When you feel lonely you often loose perspective on the people who actually are there for you. My family are there for me but it never feels like enough. I feel like a chore. I know that aren't their attentions. There should be a balancing act in life; between life and work, love and sleep. My struggles with balance come into play when I can't keep my family happy while keeping myself happy. By talking to them I feel better, but it upsets them. By not talking, I suffer. I really did want my life to end. I still do, to a certain degree. I don't love my life, I don't like my life. In fact, I barely tolerate my life. And the problem with this is that I have to make my own happiness. Not through people but find it in myself. I know there is a whole 5 or so of you have seen this. So it's not a big deal. But I want to let the few of you know that if there is something wrong in your head or in your life, please talk to people. You will find help. Sorry for the cheesiness.
 
Much love
E.H.

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